Well it has been an insanely busy and social week for me and I cannot believe I am JUST getting to write a post. I kept thinking all week, “I have to write a post, but what do I want to write about?” There were many happenings that moved me and inspired me but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what would make me laugh while writing. My main goal when I write is to simply make myself laugh, to make a comedy of my life, to allow me to realize just how crazy and interesting this thing is that we call life. I wrote something in my phone while I was walking to work the other day (I told you I write wherever). It was just a snippet but it was a thought of the moment and I always write those down. They can lead to so much more than one thought. They are reminders of a moment that stuck out in my mind that I will want to go back to at some point in the future. Try it sometime, you will be surprised what happens.

What I wrote:

I walk around the city as a single gal with hope in my head and love in my heart. Music helps me stay focused on my life and my happiness. M83 Midnight City comes on Pandora. Just the beat makes me take a look around, breathe the fresh cold air and smile, knowing there’s so much out there for me. So much I have yet to tap into. My future is limitless as long as I maintain truth to myself. Hope. Love.

Now I sit listening to that song and within the first beat I am reminded of that emotion I felt. I don’t even know the words. It’s the computer generated beat that I love so much that moves my soul. And like I wrote on my walk, my future is limitless and that ignites a fire in me to live my life like I never have before. Being social on a weeknight even though I have to get up at 4 am, hanging out with girlfriends, seeing family, going on dates, cooking, drinking wine, signing up for a cooking class (to be done) are all things I haven’t ever done; especially the date thing. 🙂

Prince Charming.

My friend from work always jokes about the fact that Prince Charming is taking a little longer than expected to come along. She also mentioned how she used to look like Raggedy Ann at work until her mom said to her something along the lines of, “No wonder guys don’t ask you out.” I fell onto the floor in tears at that comment. Now I will tell you, I have never really dated…you know gone out on dates, where a guy takes you to a nice dinner and you have an intellectual conversation (if I have a sneaking suspicion there aren’t brain cells up there, I don’t go on that date). But I haven’t had a ton of boyfriends either. I count 3 real ones…my last one never took me on dates which I am still trying to understand. Anyone? Epic fail.

I like to get dressed up. I like to put make up on. I like to straighten my hair. I like to socialize. I like to be girly. After my break up and when I was single growing up I was either too tired, bawling my eyes out or so insanely fed up with the male species that every time I was asked out (which wasn’t often even when I was single before) I would find a reason to say no and totally run away. I also used ski racing as an excuse. Ski racing was my relationship and nothing was allowed to threaten that sacred part of my life. But now that I don’t race anymore and I realize that Prince Charming is simply just not going to show up on my door and ask me to marry him, I really need to start being social before I end up as the cat lady and CLEARLY I do not want that.

No thank you.

But I can totally dream that he will just show up right? I know someday I will meet that special guy, that Prince Charming. Until that happens, however, I intend to be social on weeknights, to hang out with my girlfriends, to drink great wine, eat great food, cook until I drop and have as much fun as humanly possible. Life is short. Live it up.

And as my friend said after a dinner this past week with some awesome coworkers, “It’s people like this that make it worth setting a 4:30 AM alarm…6 nights a week…because they’re standing right there next to you (at the gym of course).” That makes me smile huge and if I can meet more people like that (even though most of them won’t be standing there right next to me at the gym unless they are crazy enough to train with me at that hour), then I will be happily fulfilled with the direction my life is headed. I will be surrounded by people who inspire me to be a better person so that maybe when Prince Charming comes along, I will be ready.

Off to dinner. 🙂

Today I was sitting in the gym trying to do any amount of work that I could manage to do without falling asleep at the cafe in the middle of that very well lit, very LOUD gym that is just teeming with people all the time. How do I manage to stay awake? Lots and lots and lots of coffee. It’s a vicious cycle. I don’t sleep through the night (more on that in a minute), ever, so I wake up and am exhausted. Pulling myself out of bed is like pulling me away from a cannoli, a chocolate croissant, a vegan blueberry scone and the sugar cookies I made yesterday. Close to impossible.

I ate more than I care to admit. My first sugar cookies ever! Mmmmmm.

Anyways, I fall asleep in the middle of the day without trying to or wanting to, my vision goes double and I often find myself staring into space. So of course I resort to coffee, especially this time of year when training sessions are in high demand, 12 hour days at the gym are the norm and 6 hours of sleep is a luxury, a BIG luxury. I am currently getting no more than 4-4.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep which has been going on for about 6 months. It’s like clockwork…every night between 11 and  midnight I get up; and it is not to pee…it is to EAT. As if my endless cooking and baking and therefore endless taste testing and eating isn’t enough for my digestive system.

It started when I was in a, Kara is over exercising and under eating phase in order to fit into skimpy workout clothes so she can do a test shoot and send photos to Wilhelmina and hopefully get signed and be on the cover of Women’s Health, Fitness Magazine and Shape Magazine someday (which is still a dream of mine…try saying THAT in one breath). It made sense that sleep was getting in the way of my eating because my metabolism was on warp speed. But I am not dieting anymore and I barely workout which means my metabolism should be somewhat slower…in theory but really who the hell knows?

At first I thought I had just developed a really annoying habit. It is not so much the eating that bothers me, it is the fact that it happens every night. That every efffffing night I am waking up between the same hours to do a seemingly pointless thing at that hour of the night. I mean really, who actually needs a sugar cookie covered in fresh ground peanut butter and apple cider jelly at midnight? Thank heavens that is not my normal indulgence. Usually it is an apple or banana with peanut butter. One time it was salmon… The other morning, however, I woke up with a cereal bowl next to my head and didn’t remember it being put there. Thank the relationship gods I sleep alone again. How would I explain that to another person? Jeepers.

But then it hit me today while I was at my therapists office…I am lonely. And I’ll give you one guess as to when it’s the worst; the one time of day that is most difficult being single again…

Night time. Sleepy time. The time when I cuddle with my stuffed bunny that I have had since I was 10 that I cleverly named Bun Bun, which informally became my nickname from my ex. She was a constant joke whenever we would snuggle up under the covers. If I was mad at him, Bun Bun went between us but for the most part she just hung out next to me.

This is just a theory but when I wake up in the middle of the night and he’s not there, I remember my loneliness, I remember he’s not there and never will be. It is simply a distant memory, one that provokes something to take a way the loneliness. Now, what single thing do most females resort to after a break up in order to comfort their broken hearts??? FOOD!!! DING DING! I wake up, I am lonely, I have a snack, I feel whole again, I go back to sleep. I didn’t binge eat or sympathy eat after my breakup, so maybe this is just my self conscious mind giving me a big FU.

But then I look at my food consumption today…eggs, sugar cookies, chicken, more sugar cookies and this…

…and then more sugar cookies and wine…clearly my subconscious caught up. All I know is I better sleep through the night tonight since I already comfort ate the entire damn day. I don’t feel lonely right now. I’m not hungry. I’m tired. So we should be all set right? My conscious grants a smiling, bubbly, “yup!” but we’ll see what type of roller coaster my subconscious wants to go on.

And like that 10 year old Kara that jumped for joy when her father gave her a stuffed bunny for Easter, this 27 year old Kara still jumps for joy every time she is reminded that at the end of the day she is happy, even if she is barely sleeping and likes to eat peanut butter and jelly covered cookies in the middle of the night. Plus, who needs a man to snuggle with when you have a 17 year old stuffed bunny that will never break your heart?

…but I know when I like something, and I want to find more of what I like so I recently decided that I would try out a new restaurant, coffee shop, bar, sandwich shop, etc every week. Or maybe I will try more than one a week if I am so inclined…careful, might get a little crazy over here in Boston. 

Today I began my quest for the discovery of yummy food. I started in the North End with Bread and Butter Cafe & Bakery. I have gotten coffee here a few times and am a fan but I have never gotten anything to eat. A coworker of mine was raving about the breakfast sandwich and since breakfast is by far my favorite meal, I decided it was high time I try this sandwich, especially since I had been eyeing it for a few months. 

Description: Egg soufflé with cheddar, arugula and red pepper spread on a brioche roll for $3.95 with the option to add bacon, sausage or ham for an extra $2.00.

This is quite a fancy sandwich in description and looks and since the Cafe has a kind of modern elegance that many Cafe’s in the North End do not have, it makes sense they would need to make a sandwich above and beyond the rest. The egg soufflé being “light and fluffy” kind of drew me in. It reminds me of a royalty above the classic egg, cheese and maybe bacon sandwich on a bagel or English muffin, toast etc. 

So down to the nitty gritty…

I didn’t get any meat on it because I believe the true test of a good sandwich is found in its basic list of ingredients, without add ons because when you really think about, EVERYTHING tastes better with bacon. It is a decent sandwich but I was a bit overwhelmed and distracted by the flavor and texture of the brioche roll. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE brioche, that’s not the issue. I used to eat it alone or with a little bit of jelly. It’s flaky, buttery texture and consistency makes it a deliciously tantalizing item for my little taste buds. But to use brioche for an egg sandwich without making the ingredients of the sandwich even more tastebud tantalizing is just wrong. The brioche took away from the flavor of the egg and red pepper spread which didn’t even extend to the edges of the roll…huge pet peeve. I could barely taste the red pepper spread and the arugula was non existent – I think there were two pieces. 

I cut my sandwich in half so that I could try both sides to see if there was any taste distribution issues, as in if they didn’t evenly distribute the ingredients but no such thing existed. So that’s a plus. What is not a plus is that it was just lacking any flavor at all. I couldn’t get past the brioche roll. It just completely overpowered the sandwich. I decided I would try the soufflé alone and sure enough it was lacking in flavor which leads me to believe that if this were on any other type of bread, it still wouldn’t be that great. 

The red pepper spread alone was pretty good. I took a bite of just the bottom of the sandwich where the spread was but I was still overwhelmed by the brioche. The bottom piece wasn’t the size of the top piece after cutting so it was one of those situations where the sandwich fell backwards when it was put down. Another pet peeve. The soufflé was just too thick which caused the sandwich to fall apart and the cheddar cheese seemed to be non-existent which tends to help hold the sandwich together. A really good breakfast sandwich sticks together because of all the cheese holding it together.

All in all it lacked the flavor profile I would have expected from it’s description. I left without finishing it and without any desire to save it for later which is unheard of with me. I always finish my food at some point in time! Instead of leaving happy, full and satisfied, I left slightly disappointed with a buttery film on my teeth. I went and brushed my teeth before finishing my coffee…now that’s just weird. 

A few positives: it’s not that expensive, it will fill you up, there are worse sandwiches out there. 

I must ask first and foremost, WHY IS THERE ALWAYS PASTRIES FRONT AND CENTER AT PHOTO SHOOTS????? AND, why do they always ask you if you want one and then say you probably shouldn’t? I mean COME ON! Do you know who I am and what I love??? Torture. Pure, evil TORTURE! 

Today was by far the best day I have had in a long time. I mean every day is a good day, but then there are those days where you feel like you are flying, days where you wonder why you could ever have been sad. And to think I was so sad just a short time ago…well no more!!!! EEEK today was pee in my pants, giggle and dance around the room fun!

My day started at the NOX with a client that is quite possibly the exact replica of me but in male form. He made my day by bringing me a bottle of this…

I think I have had two sips and am in heaven. Pure heavenly bliss….ahhhh. So yeah, kicked his butt this morning, got a solid pep talk, did some abdominal work to pump up my abs and get them all excited for the day and then I was off! Off to my very first underwear shoot! 

I walk into the studio and am welcomed by Christmas music and smiles from everyone. I was a wee bit nervous but they made me feel like home. Those pastries sitting in the middle of the table made me feel like home as well so I breathed a sigh of relief. When I say I could not get those pastries off my mind during the entire shoot, I am being 150% serious. They were taunting me as they sat there begging to be devoured. As I was getting my make up done, I just stared at them telling them I would come back for them when they least expected it…then I was reminded I was going to be in underwear. Kara, focus. 

OH MY GOODNESS. I just switched my pandora station to Prince, which is what we were listening to at the shoot after the Christmas music got old and guess what comes on?!?! Kiss by Prince. Holy heaven! This song came on when I was standing there in my skivvies and it made me want to shake my little booty but I couldn’t because I was trying to pose! But now that I am home, oh man is the booty shakin! If you don’t start to wiggle your hips and scrunch up your face trying to sing this song, then you really should give it a try. It will change your life.

Back to the shoot…I must say I felt a teeny bit awkward in the beginning, partially because this was my 3rd clothing photo shoot and I really don’t have a clue how to pose and partially because I was in a tank and undies. But then when I got positive feedback, it became a lot easier. And once I started to get to know the crew more, it got even better! Joking around on set makes it so much easier to get good shots. Remember when I said that modeling is very hard because there are a million things you need to think about? Well, today was no different. (Are those pastries still over there???)

“Okay, we want you to face your hips to the right, rotate your hips to the left, right foot forward, more weight on your left leg, crunch your abs, hollow your belly, arms above the head and relax your left butt cheek.” What? Somehow we managed to get that shot. I kept staring down at my lower abs yelling at them to stay flexed. They would be perfect for about 30 seconds and then I could just see them starting to relax no matter how hard I tried to keep them tight. It must have been the scone from Wednesday…or the bowl of Rice Krispies I had at 1 am this morning….oops. (Pastries still there?) But I was like an ambi-turner today! That would be a person that turns in one direction only, in case you’ve never heard that term before. My left obliques are KILLING me! Thank heavens they were shooting the left butt cheek though. That’s my better butt cheek. The right one has just atrophied because of my hip injury. Poor right butt cheek. Nothing personal. 🙂

So the shoot started at 10:30 and it took about 3 hours for a blonde joke to come out…one of the witty brothers on set decided it would be funny to make a comment about me being a ditzy blonde. Excuse me? Ditzy?!?! Ok. Sometimes I can make pretty dumb, ditzy remarks but come on? Really? BUT that makes me happy because you have to be a pretty awesome person to make a blonde joke to a blonde and I love meeting awesome people. To say everyone was awesome is an understatement. I like the word phenomenal…they were beyond phenomenal. I wish everyone was as cool and fun and upbeat as everyone at the studio today. They made my experience that much more enjoyable. I didn’t actually want to leave especially because they had chocolate from Switzerland. Yes, Switzerland. Land of amazing chocolate!

They must have known I was trying to feed my imperfections. Wait, where are the pastries?? Am I done shooting yet? Yes? Oh thank heavens!!!

Woh thats a big picture! Jeesh! I finally got my scone. But to be quite honest, after those chocolates it really wasn’t THAT good. All in all, today was a PHENOMENAL day and I am so thankful to have been a part of it! 

Oh, how life has changed in a matter of a few days…I like me better when I am happy. And I intend to keep it that way! 

Remember….drink good wine.

I got the Reebok job!!! I found out while I was training a client so I had to maintain my composure but inside I was freeeeaking out!! I still am actually; half peeing my pants and wanting to run around my apartment and leap for joy…but I wouldn’t make it very far since this apartment isn’t a penthouse suit or anything and I might break my hip. For most models, this would be NBD (no big deal, obvi) but for me its a VBFD (very big f****** deal)! I haven’t done much modeling other than 4 shoots for Cybex (if you don’t know what Cybex is, you are living under a rock and we cannot be friends), 1 for Via Prive (a boston based clothing company for CrossFit – http://www.viaprive.com), 1 for Reebok (no explanation needed) and an infomercial for Gorilla Gym (you seriously need to buy one of these – http://gorilla-gym.com)….actually now that I write it, it seems like a little more than not much. Modeling is so much fun! At least the stuff I have done…hoping it stays that way! But let’s recap to the casting call… 🙂

Alright, strip down!

Strip down? Geesh, no modesty in this modeling biz. (It didn’t REALLY go like that, just more fun that way)

I arrive at the Reebok Headquarters in Canton, MA at 9 am on Wednesday and OF COURSE they have Dunkin Donuts there giving out free Munchkins, coffee and lattes. Now I’m not usually one for the Dunk’s but when I get that craving I go right for those little Munchkin balls of joy because they just have a big ‘ol party in my mouth, especially if you get them first thing in the morning.

Hello, Heaven. Do you remember when they actually made the donuts in house? Ah the good old days. Either way these things are phenomenal.

So I’m sitting in the main lobby waiting to be called for the casting, just staring at all that saturated fat, sugar and caffeine and in my own dream world where I could jump into a pile of Munchkins and devour every last one and then finish it with a latte. The two male models that were there with joke about grabbing some after the casting but I think I was the only one that was seriously considering it. Next thing I know we get called upstairs. I was actually out of breath when I got to the top of the stairs and my legs were burning. Clearly I am a personal trainer. I thought, “Maybe that burned off a Munchkin.” I was basically coming up with any way I could to justify having one.

They bring us to a room with no windows, thank the heavens. “Did you guys wear what we asked you to wear under those clothes?” Yup. Mind you this was a bikini for girls and boxer briefs for boys. Game time people. Thank goodness I am mildly comfortable in my skin (ever since accepting all my beautiful imperfections 🙂 ) because we stripped down right there, in front of each other. Now I am a relatively modest person in the way I dress so to strip down in front of people I had just met was a little weird. If we were at a pool or the beach and I was tan and lean, I would be all for it, but this is winter in a random room at Reebok, I am not that lean and I am a ghost. Oh how my little imperfections that I am so proud of were so quickly revealed. So to ease the awkwardness I casually say, “Ooooaaaa I get to be half naked with two hotties” and thankfully, I got a laugh out of everyone.

So being half naked, I am simply trying to flex my abs so that it looks like I still have that 6 pack and not a pooch…I think the boys were doing the same. 🙂 One of the hardest parts about casting calls is that you have ONE chance to strike a pose that they are going to like enough to pick you for the shoot. It all just happens so fast that I half black out every time, not knowing what is going on. My first few castings I was shocked at how quickly they get you in and out. I have finally figured out that I need to spend time posing in front of the mirror to figure out my angles. Just picture me in front of my mirror making every imaginable face, matching it to my pose, my angle, my body, flexing, blahhhh. So much to think about. Picking up your chin a quarter of an inch can make the photo look COMPLETELY different. Clearly I am still very new at all of this. This is as good as it gets right now – clearly I am most comfortable post workout after sweating my face off…

Anyways, I watch the two boys strike their pose (gosh I wish I had taken a pic), looking all hot and stuff and then it is my turn. Flex the abs, relax the shoulders, smile and hold the piece of paper that says my name. I giggled and didn’t know at what point she took the picture – clearly I blacked out again or was extremely distracted, not sure which was actually the case and therefore I have no idea how that photo looked. Clearly I need some more time in front of that mirror in my kitchen and more time in front of the camera. Meanwhile, I am still thinking about those Munchkins. They actually made a joke about going and getting some Dunks…”Oh hell yeah I am going to get some.” The response from the people from Reebok….pure shock. “Please don’t do that. This is an underwear shoot…an UNDERWEAR shoot.” I’m juuuuuuust kidding (am I though?).

I reluctantly walk down the stairs, past the free Dunks and Munchkins and hop into my Zipcar that I almost crashed about 15 times because I never drive. And then it hits me! I bought a vegan blueberry scone from Boston Common Coffee in the North End! OMG! I stare at it and it stares right back. I take one small bite because I had not eaten in hours. The flood of amazingness that hit my taste buds was unbearable. I had to throw the damn thing in the back of the car so that I would not devour it but apparently the whole out of sight out of mind thing doesn’t work for me because the minute I got home, I took a few more bites/ate mostly all of it. Oops. BAD MODEL! But really I was just thinking about my imperfections and keeping those imperfect, so it was totally justified. I felt a little better about myself after my workout and my post workout shake…

BodyTech whey chocolate, kale, spinach, 1/2 a nanner and ginger. Mmmm. If you are near the Franklin Street Equinox in Boston you should: A) come visit me B) train with me and C) have them make you this shake.

Gosh life is good. I need one of those shirts. “Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth.” Giggling so hard that I just might feel it’s warmth! SO EXCITED!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! All smiles here!!!

This post is in memory of my cousin Alex…

Life is a funny thing. It is granted to us and then taken away at what seems like a drop of a hat. Two days ago was the 13th anniversary of my cousin Alex’s end to his long battle with cancer. Alex was, to say the least, the most amazing person I have ever known and I think about him every day of my life. I remember when he was first diagnosed..I got home from school and went to the kitchen. My mom was looking in the fridge and when she closed the door, I saw tears in her eyes. I knew Alex was sick but they had not figured out what was wrong, until that day. My mom looked to me and said, “Honey, Alex has cancer.” That moment is forever imprinted in my mind. I knew what cancer was but I had no idea the magnitude to which it affected everyone around it.

I remember when he was given a knight in shining armor by one of my family members. At that point in time, Lance Armstrong was crushing the cycling world (and everyone still liked him) after having beaten cancer, so we named the knight Lance. We joked about how Lance and Alex would fight those vicious cancer cells to protect Alex and kick cancer’s ass. His face lit up and we all had so much hope. Those were some of his good days but as he fell more ill, those good days became less frequent. I went over to visit him with my mom one day and his mom told me he was downstairs. Now one thing you must know is I looked up to Alex and I was always so excited to see him so I ran downstairs and saw him sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. I think he was crying. He looked up at me and said he had just been resting and was getting up to come hang out. I knew that wasn’t the case. He was in the middle of chemo and from what I know, it is a very unpleasant time.

But Alex never complained, at least not to me. In the short time he was on this earth (he was 22) he knew so much about life and its struggles. He was in pain but he always had a smile, even towards the end when he was really sick. Every time family got together, Alex was sure to be there with a huge toothy smile. I can still see it. They say that if you send out positive thoughts to the universe, the chances of them remaining true is much higher. As a collective whole, we sent out so many positive thoughts, feelings and emotions in the hope that it might help. I prayed for Alex to get well and at one point that praying seemed to be paying off.

But then cancer took one more swing. He was receiving care at Dana Farber in the ICU. I remember coming to Boston around Thanksgiving to visit Alex. I was so excited on the car ride down, but no one prepared me for what I was going to see. Life hit me really hard that day. When we got there, the nurses told us that Alex might look a little different. That was an understatement. Alex’s liver had started to fail which meant that he was jaundice; his eyes were yellow and puffy. When I walked in, he was staring at his brother while he held his hand and talked to him. Alex’s brother had been there for Alex through and through. When Alex was younger, he needed a kidney transplant and when he got cancer, they decided to do a bone marrow transplant. His brother is an amazing person and he doesn’t know it but I look up to him like I looked up to Alex but in many different ways. The love between them was so deep and you could see it as they stared into each other’s eyes. But Alex couldn’t say a word.

When it was my turn to talk to Alex, I grabbed his hand and he slowly turned his head to me. I thought I felt the squeeze of his hand, but maybe that was just my own hand squeezing his so tightly because I couldn’t believe what was happening and I did not want to let go. I told him I loved him and he was going to be fine. I would be fine. I held back the tears because I wanted to be strong for Alex but when I saw my big brother break down, I ran outside Alex’s room and did the same. The nurse tried to comfort us but we knew the reality.

Alex passed a week or two later (I honestly forget the timing because I don’t really want to remember, I only know the day of his passing). I was at a ski academy in Vermont and I remember getting an ominous feeling in my belly as my parents told me they were headed to Boston to see Alex. When my dad came to pick me up the next day from school, he said, “We went to Boston last night because they said Alex might not make it through the night. Sweetie, he passed before we got there.” The pain I felt in hearing that was as if someone had ripped my heart out and chopped it to little pieces. It hurt, a lot. My dad says that although it is hard, pain is a way for us to know we are alive and he is right.

Alex was a special person. The day of his funeral was the most beautiful day that we had seen in many weeks before and after. It was a particularly rainy, dreary time, but on that one day it was as if the heavens opened up for Alex. To this day, I wish I had told him more how much I looked up to him and how much he meant to me. I told him that day in the hospital but I wish I had said it more when I knew he could hear it. They say that although he could not speak, he definitely heard me. I hope they were right. Some people aren’t as lucky to at least be able to do that. I was given that opportunity, knowing I may not see him again.

I was not able to write about this until this morning because I simply could not gather my thoughts. We say this all the time, especially after something tragic happens, but make sure to hold onto your loved ones and tell them everyday how much they mean to you, how much you love them. I wish I had told Alex much earlier that he was an inspiration to me and to everyone. We all live on while those who lose the battle don’t. But then I stop to think, did they really lose their battle or did they win in because they go down fighting? The two are very different in my mind. You fight with all your might and it is not a loss but instead is a win because you gave everything you had. That to me, is a win. You win in your heart and in your soul.

And so I leave this post with something I wrote on my bus ride home from Vermont on Sunday because I was upset losing someone in my life:

And all of a sudden the pain slowly starts to cease. Accepting the situation and learning that pain is part of healing and moving on is of upmost importance to the survival of self. Pain lets you know you’re alive.

Alex and I when I was just a baby. The piece of tape on the left holds a prayer bead that Geshe, our buddhist monk gave to all of us so that it might bring us some comfort. Thirteen years later and I still have it.

Alex, I miss you dearly.

Goodness gracious so many amazing things have happened in the last few days that have made me just so delightfully happy!

Thanksgiving with my family, my oldest brothers family, my sister in laws family, my younger but older than me brother and his girlfriend and the most exciting one…my 10 month old niece Madison or as I like to call her, Maddog. She is the s***. Coolest and cutest baby ever! We had Thanksgiving at my brothers place for the first time. It was so nice to have such a great crew to recognize all that we are thankful for.

After stuffing our faces on Thanksgiving, my younger but older than me brother, his girlfriend, my dad, my dog and I hopped into the suburban and drove 4 hours to Burlington, Vermont. I was so giddy to be coming up here because I knew I would get to ski for the first time in 335 days. I ski about twice a year now on Thanksgiving and Christmas so I am always excited when I get the chance. It’s a far cry from the essentially year round skiing I did for nearly 17 years.

So we get up to Burlington and my dad asks me what time I want to be at the mountain. “What time does it open?” 7:30. “Alright, then 7:30 it is.” My dad was shocked that I didn’t want to sleep in. Alarm set, clothes laid out and skis ready, I fall into a deep sleep. I wake up to Miley Cyrus We Can’t Stop – that song just gets me going – I run downstairs, make my breakfast, brew my coffee and throw my ski clothes on. Eeeeeeek! I could barely contain my joy!! It’s like a luxury for me now. I get all geared up in my free ski outfit, grab my coffee to go and jump in the already warmed up suburban. It’s 7 am so we are running a wee bit late but we end up getting their around 7:45, on the lift at 8 am.

HOLY CRAP was it cold! 7 degrees to be exact. My body hasn’t felt that kind of frigid weather in what seems like eternity. Suck it up Kara. As we head up the chairlift, I have memories of my ski racing career. I turn to my dad and say, “You know, I do not miss racing at all.” It’s a weird feeling for me since it was my life for so long. But it is finally nice to enjoy skiing for skiing, not for how fast I can wiggle my way around some sticks in the snow as fast as humanly possible.

First few turns on snow and I’m back at it, laying my skis on edge, nuking down the mountain I grew up skiing on since I was a mere 2 years old. I have to say I am not my fearless self anymore; I stopped when I got going too fast and I skidded when I saw death cookies (if you are a skier, you know the damage those babies can cause!), but laid them on edge when the snow was money. My hip hurt but I didn’t care especially when we took a run down Nosedive. It was by far the best run. It was rock solid and it was the kind of surface that I could cut into with my trusty Dynastar slalom skis and just juice it like no other, making fluid turns that brought a smile to my face. That is when I realized I kind of missed racing. 🙂

We took about 6 runs in an hour and 20 minutes and since I am a sissy now, we had to go in the Octagon at the top of the mountain for a coffee/hot cocoa mix break. I see all the little racers getting their hot cocoas and cinnamon buns covered in frosting and I am instantly taken back to my first few years at the Mount Mansfield Ski Club. Those were the days. We would ski all day and never tire. We would nuke around the mountain, cutting off people everywhere we went and then get yelled at by ski patrol but we didn’t care, we just wanted to ski fast. “I wanna go fast!”

Gone are the days where I never tire. After our coffee break, I turn to my dad and ask, “Can this be the last run?” I felt guilty because I never get up here to ski, but my legs, my back and my hip were at the end of the road for the day. So we did one more run down Nosedive and boy, did I make it count! I laid those skis over and brought myself back to my racing days, digging that ski into the hard ice and coming out of each turn with so much power that it shot me right into my next turn! I also used to make race car noises when I skied and sure enough found myself making the same noise. Vroom, vroom, vroooooooom. Yes I am a dork but it was that last run that made me realize how much fun I was having.

That last run there was no stopping, no skidding, no fear; I just went for it, left it all on the hill as I was taken down memory lane. I am so thankful that I still have the ability to ski like I used to even though I might not be able to rip through gates anymore. I appreciate the sport more now as it is a choice to go up there, not a chore as that was what it became my last few years. Needless to say, am already looking forward to skiing at Christmas with my dad. I know I will appreciate it even more because it will be my last time until next Thanksgiving.

Who knows, maybe I will make it an entire on the slopes day by then, especially since I know that a little over a week after Christmas I will be in surgery for my Labral tear and then in bed for an entire week while I recover. If you live in Burlington or the surrounding area, feel free to come visit me and my parents place as I will probably be going crazy sitting on my tushy all day. 🙂

Two thumbs up for this girl!

I have heard that question a lot when it comes to fitness photo shoots. I usually have no problem whipping that bad boy off in order to flash the 6 pack that I crushed myself to attain, both in my lack of eating and my over abundance of working out. But this time the question will be a little different and I am a little reluctant to whip off my clothes simply because I have been eating, a lot, and have been lacking in the workout department.

I don’t got that going on right now…so about those imperfections…

Today I got an email from my agent at Maggie, Inc for a requested go-see at Reebok for what other than an underwear photo shoot. REALLY?! An underwear shoot?? I don’t even like to be in my underwear alone! And now I have to get half naked for people I don’t even know? I don’t know whether I am in a – ridiculously excited pee in my pants giddy – mood because it has been almost 2 months since my last gig and I LOVE modeling (I’m really not that good at it but that doesn’t matter) or if I am in a – ridiculously holy shit I can’t believe I have to take half my clothes off in the dead of winter when I haven’t been dieting for 6 weeks and look like a ghost – mood. Seriously though, a legit ghost. Can you say Casper? Speaking of Casper, is it weird that the boy he turned into for 1 night is my childhood crush that I did not leave in childhood. I still get butterflies when I watch that scene. Oh if only it were real. Hello heaven.

Devon Sawa. Will you marry my 12 year old self?

So, all I’m thinking about right now is the half of an apple pie I ate Friday night, the chicken fingers and fries Saturday night, the Rice Krispie treats and ice cream last night, the Rice Krispie treats I’ve eaten today and the thanksgiving feast I will consume tomorrow that will leave me a lifeless blob on the couch. A few coworkers asked me if I am going to start dieting again…I thought about this for a moment and my response shocked them.

“Maybe a little but to be honest, I look the way I look. One week of dieting wont make a terribly large difference unless I go over board and barely eat…clearly NOT what I want to be doing right now.” See it’s funny because I was just telling my dad the other day how happy I was that I didn’t have to diet over thanksgiving this year because I was dieting during thanksgiving AND Christmas last year for photo shoots. Do you know how MISERABLE I was?! If you can’t guess by now, I love food. I adore it. I want to marry it. Which is all odd to me because I used to hate it so much that I didn’t eat it. Not a smart move. So to be deprived over my two favorite holidays when sweets are in abundance and it is suddenly perfectly acceptable to eat yourself into oblivion because it’s such a special time of year, was a blasphemous notion for me.

I mean for heavens sake, it’s the holidays! It’s a time to be merry and jolly and put on 10 lbs just because you can and then tell yourself you’ll start working to lose it on January 1. Why do you think people want a personal trainer more post holidays? 🙂 But for me, last year there was no jolly and no joy around the plain turkey and steamed green beans I was eating while everyone else stuffed themselves like the pillsbury dough boy at dinner and then made it worse by eating desert.

I will NOT let that happen this thanksgiving. Both the miserable part and the stuffing my face part, for the sake of the modeling. Happy medium here. So my extended response to the question of dieting, “The casting is one week away. For me to look how I looked 2 months ago when I was disgustingly lean, would mean I would have to starve myself and work out every free second of my day. No thanks. Will I be more careful over the next week with all those sweets around, yes. But I will not deprive myself of things I love so much.” Long winded I know.

I must admit something though…when I read the email from my agent, I instantly thought “Oh my gosh, am I too fat for this?” I thought of my imperfections, my little blossoming love handles especially. You know the ones that spill over your tight jeans? Death to them. But then I got over it. I didn’t write about my beautiful imperfections and loving them last night to then bail on that whole concept when I find out I actually will have people SEEING those imperfections. Nope, not this time. I really do love my body, even if I am not 13% body fat like I was, which actually made me look like I was a prepubescent child, which is not exactly what you want in your later 20s. I know I have a hot little body, a womanly body actually, and I tell myself that every time I look in the mirror. Am I a little self conscious? I would be lying if I didn’t confidently say hell yes. And I will even go as far as to say that I am a little more than a little self conscious but I am not going to let it ruin my image of my self; of my beautiful, feminine and hard earned body.

That all being said, I just had a bowl of chocolate and regular rice krispies and when I realized I still had milk left in my bowl, I poured some more cereal in. I HAD to soak up all the milk. I just couldn’t waste good milk! I think you all know what I’m talking about, and if you don’t, you’ve never really eaten cereal before…or you know exactly how much milk to pour in your bowl which is just totally lame because you don’t have a sound reason to go back for seconds…or thirds.

Reebok underwear casting call…HERE I COME, imperfections and all. 😉

I like to think, a lot, and it is sometimes to a fault. I am very open and honest in my thoughts and words and this post is no different. I like to share those thoughts and words in the hopes that someone can relate and maybe say, “Hey, I am not alone in this world” or can be motivated and inspired, or whatever emotion you feel when you read about my life. I never had anyone like that so I am doing and offering to whoever will take what I never had. This post is about losing someone you love but in return learning how to live and love your life for you. Raw emotion. Living in the moment. Hell, my whole blog is real, I throw my thoughts and emotions out on the line and I am proud of that. Life gets hard, life gets easy, life sometimes sucks but then in a moment it can be the most amazing thing. Life and living is about appreciating it all. In the last 2 weeks I have gone through every emotion that I can imagine…if there are more, I don’t want to know about them. Last night was no different in the experience in range of emotions. But let’s back track a moment…

Up until 2 ish weeks ago I had not been having much fun for the previous 6 ish months. I was dieting and crushing myself at the gym which yes gave me a body that I loved but also (looking back on it) made me neurotic and miserable. I was obsessive about what I ate and honestly stopped enjoying food. It’s sole purpose was to fuel the machine. I was pursuing modeling and was planning to send a portfolio to Wilhelmina in NYC as they had shown interest in me. Dieting, working out and modeling became my fun, became my life. If you visit my facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/karaAcrow, and look past all the posts about my injuries, you will see the obsession in full effect. But in some sense of the word, you could say I had fun because I love to workout and model and if dieting makes me look like I did, then sure, I had fun dieting too.

So yes, I had fun moments and what not, but I am not talking about halfway fun where your mind is somewhere or with someone else. I am talking about the kind of fun where you are in the moment, you forget about all your worries, you forget about the past and the future, and the one thing you care about is who is sitting right in front of you. When friends would ask me to hang out, I always hesitated and usually said no because it involved drinking and eating things that were not on the diet plan. And there was only really one person I wanted to spend my time with, but we never really did anything FUN. Needless to say and as I have said before, I no longer spend time with that person which means I have a lot of time and energy on my hands.

As much as I want to forget about this person, I can’t. I am thankful for my time spent with him as I learned a lot by being with him and I am reminded of this every moment. So in an attempt to move on and distract myself, I have gone out and tried to have fun with friends but he has been on my mind so much that I couldn’t truly relax or have the fun and the laughs I desperately need. I was thinking about every moment I have spent with him and it was paining my heart…literally I was having chest pain. But I mean don’t get me wrong, I have been laughing, but I want the laughs that get to my belly, like a little baby laughs. Now those are real laughs. We all need to laugh like that. The kind of laugh that comes from a comment or an action you weren’t expecting. Gosh I love that. I smile now as I think of all the laughs I have yet to experience.

So last night I had plans to go out with a girlfriend from work and then meet up with some other coworkers. Night time is the hardest for me without him in my life so of course I start crying…bauling actually…and I am texting my coworker telling her he is the only one who can make me stop hurting, the only one who can make me happy. I said I stare blankly at my screen and cry. This is so hard. I feel so weak and pathetic. I was basically having a pity party without the ice cream. Now my coworker (and friend of course) is more real than me and she gave it to me straight and narrow.

“Kara you gotta cut the shit. You are making the conscious decision to let yourself continue to feel and be miserable. No it’s not (insert bad swear word) easy, life rarely is. You are letting yourself be weak. You do not (insert same bad swear word) need him. You have such a wonderful LIFE worth living, and you haven’t even scratched the surface of true LOVE. And plus you are 10 times prettier when you don’t cry. I suggest you use that to your advantage. :)”

Damn. Shit just got real. No more pity party. I dried my tears, blew my nose because I couldn’t breathe, blow dried and straightened my hair, did my makeup and put on some hot ass heels and I went OUT. We went to Douzo in Back Bay for dinner (WHOLLY MOLY you should ALL go there), did some drinking, some life hashing, some boy bashing and from that moment on, I forgot he existed. I don’t know how it happened, it just did. It was the first time I didn’t feel like I had to put on a happy face because I was so damn depressed under the surface. It was the first time I enjoyed what was right in front of me. I felt truly happy. I felt the kind of happy that I had been searching for the last few weekends but wasn’t even coming close to feeling.

And that happiness continued as we moved on to Brownstone to meet some other friends. I didn’t think of him once. I don’t even know what I was thinking about. To be honest, I don’t believe that I was thinking, at least not up to my normal standards which is simply exhausting. Actually I lied, I was thinking about chocolate chip cookie sliders which they no longer have at Brownstone. So instead we got chicken fingers and truffle fries.

I have not enjoyed this type of food as much as I did in what seems like an eternity. My friends looked at me with smiles on their faces and said, “We missed this Kara.” And by this Kara they mean the carefree, bubbly, excited, outgoing, laughable Kara. The Kara I am but have failed to be. I had gotten lost in the scramble of my life. My happiness came to rely on someone else’s choices, words and actions and that is no one’s fault but my own. I forgot how to LIVE, how to appreciate those people in your life that won’t leave you when shit gets hard or when you become so psycho and overwhelming that no one wants to be around you. Those are the people that “get me” and that understand who I am and love me for all that I am. I love those people and I want them back in my life. I like to tell myself I just took a little vacation. If it is one thing I have always known but learned for the 10 millionth time, never lose touch with your friends. Boyfriends (and some friends) come and go, but when you find those people who stand by your side through the good and the bad, hold on to them and don’t let go. There are many more friends I am thankful for, these are just the ones I had the pleasure of spending time with last night. It was so nice to be able to live in the moment for the first time in wayyyyyyy too long. Thanks for keeping it and me real.

(Don’t judge the horrible picture quality. My phone takes bad pictures.)

I woke up this morning alone. Normally that would sadden me as I am used to him being there but for once, I was okay with it. Actually more than okay with it, I actually LOVED waking up alone. And I woke up smiling and it wasn’t a forced smile either. To make my day even better I got lunch with my godmother, her brother and my goddaughter at North Street Grille (seriously, go there too…OMG).

Life got real today and I am more than ready for it. So I leave this post with a smile on my face and a very happy gut. 🙂