By gosh Dolly Parton, your words couldn’t have come at a better time.
“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”
I have been searching and trying to figure out “who I am” for as long as I can remember. I have been stressing out about it and it has almost ruined my life and my happiness. Being 3 glasses of wine deep and having overdosed on rice krispie treats made with regular rice krispies, chocolate rice krispies, Fiber One chocolate squares and a TON of peanut butter I must say I am contemplating this quote and my life with an intensity that might be frightening for some but is really just a regular occurrence for me. I seriously might pass out from so much sugar but it gave me a sense of clarity that is just so freeing.
Seriously, who wouldn’t overdose. My coworkers will tomorrow.
One thing I must admit is that I see a therapist once a week. No I am not crazy, he just helps me sort out the thoughts that race through my brain faster than Usain Bolt races the 100 meter…yeah that fast; its exhausting. Today we had a great chat, so much that I felt a high even before I started on my sugar binge. On my way home I was be bopping along to Katy Perry’s Roar with the biggest smile on my face when I suddenly found myself in CVS. I don’t know how this always happens to me but next thing I know I am in the cereal section with 3 boxes of cereal, milk in hand and wondering where the marshmallows would be. There is so much damn chocolate in there right now, which normally I would be made giddy by, but tonight all I wanted were those little white puffs of joy. Within minutes I am back outside, listening to Katy Perry again, bobbing my head and strutting my stuff. By the way, I think I have listened to it 20 times today and every time I hear it, I get that female empowerment thing going on which feels pretty damn phenomenal. The fact that I have amazingly supportive parents, guy friends and especially girlfriends helps me feel phenomenal quite easily. You guys basically rock, btw. Thanks for putting up with me for I know I am rather on the exhausting side.
So, tonight is the first night that I feel extremely happy. Yes I have talked about how happy I am with the direction my life has taken but to be quite frank, I was half faking it til I made it because honestly half the time I wrote these posts, I’d break down crying within 10 minutes. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the Amos Lee or the Joshua Radin Pandora stations but I was all waterworks. One thing a girlfriend told me was it is OK to cry, in fact it would be odd if I didn’t in this situation, so I just let it all out. I think (and hope) I am done with that crying stuff. It stuffed my nose up so that I couldn’t sleep unless I snorted Afrin and my last experience with that made it so I could not smell anything, which some might say is a good thing if you happen to walk into the employee room at the Nox and open the fridge…yeah, you all know what I am talking about.
(I wish this would actually happen.)
This moment, or this night of happiness might not last, but the most important realization of this moment is that it is happening and it is happening not because I am faking it but is happening because I feel truly f****** happy. I am confident in my decisions to move on with my life in the direction I have chosen, which sadly means leaving someone behind (yeah broken record I know, but I am a little heart broken). I think part of my realization happened the other night when I was told I shouldn’t do this and shouldn’t do that in regards to my thinking, my actions, how much I openly share with people. I share the happenings of my life for reasons some people may never understand so I kindly responded, “This is who I am and I do not want to hide it. If you do not like who I am, that is fine, but never bring me down.”
Why should we have to hide who we are? Like the title of this blog says, imperfection. We are all imperfect, but imperfection is truly beautiful and it is those who recognize their imperfections that are able to really live their life. Listen to T.I. featuring Rihanna – Live Your Life. The first time I heard this song was in college when I was particularly down on myself and it changed my life. I still to this day use this song to pick me up when I am feeling down.
I may never find out who I am, but if I know one thing to be true, I become more the person I want to be with every breath I take. I love that I am imperfect, that I get a little cray-cray sometimes, that I get a little down sometimes. If anything, I sure do keep myself entertained, especially when I belt out to Nora Jones. I know this is only the beginning of my journey. I love the ups and downs, I love everything that is “off” and “wrong” about me, I love my little pooch on my belly, and my winter coat that I have managed to put on over the last few weeks, I love my little saddle bags that have invaded my legs, I love the tiny bingo arms I have developed because it means I am HAPPY; truly f****** happy. I love all my little imperfections and you should love yours too. It makes you who you are. Embrace that shit.
Another friend said to me tonight that I am more fun when I am actually enjoying my life. I will take that and run with it wildly into my future, figuring out who I am along the way. I don’t need to figure it out now. I just need to enjoy what I am currently experiencing…and making sure to make funny faces in the process.