There is something about this fall air that inspires me to reminisce about the last year. There are things I don’t really want to remember but thanks to Timehop, I am forced to remember which inevitably leads me to thinking about more than I’m sure Timehop intended for…as you’ll see.
One year ago on Friday, I had my second photo shoot with Lucie Wicker (seriously hire her, she’s extremely talented). I was in the best shape of my life. I had started Crossfit, was working out twice a day and was dieting which gave me a body I had been wanting for years. I was 125 lbs and 14.5% body fat. I was, in my mind, on top of the world. I had just had an amazing summer (for me) of fun in the modeling world. I filmed my first informercial in Sacramento for the Gorilla Gym, I had done a few photo shoots with Reebok and I had briefly met with an agent at Wilhelmina who told me to do some test shoots and come back to them which is what led me to working with Lucie again. The thought of getting signed with Wilhelmina made me euphoric and nothing else mattered to me.
I was happy. Or so I thought. And then about 2 weeks later, I found out I had to have hip surgery. It was scheduled for January 7th which meant I had about 2 months to wait. My hip started to deteriorate very quickly after that. I had to stop Crossfit, I had to tone down my workouts and I decided to put Wilhelmina on hold, knowing my body was going to change drastically after surgery. Oh, and my boyfriend and I broke up (only to get back together in February and break up again in May but that’s not what this is about). So I gave myself the go ahead to live a little. This meant eating foods that were forbidden all summer and going out and meeting people and drinking, a lot. I started drinking wine, lots of it, to the point where a bottle a night was child’s play for me. But it was how I coped with everything. I learned to cook too. And I wrote and blogged incessantly. I was having the time of my life but looking back on it, I was covering up a lot of sadness.
And then I had hip surgery. Fuck did it hurt. But what I noticed and seemed to care about more, was how my body had changed. It was like I woke up from that surgery and was fat. In reality it was because I had been drinking and eating like the world was ending but I had no muscle definition and it may have been the fact that I was simply swollen from surgery but regardless I had gained 7 lbs since I stopped dieting and was weak. I hated my body but still forced myself to look in the mirror every day and tell myself I am beautiful, I still do. I forced myself to give myself a break, mentally and physically, knowing that shit don’t last if you don’t want it to. Once I was off crutches I kept telling myself that I would get my body back before the beginning of summer. Yeah, that didn’t happen.
When the ex and I broke up again in May I decided to join match.com. Holy shit did I feel like a total BABE within 30 seconds of joining. All the emails, all the winks, all the likes. What girl wouldn’t want to have that kind of attention 3 days after she broke up with her boyfriend that didn’t want her???? It was wonderful! And then the dates started….now there are many things I learned from match.com which will take another post but I will say this, men are just as bat shit crazy as women. I have all the proof.
Anyways, I was going on dates that weren’t from match as well. There was one boy I met at the gym that I was SURE would become my boyfriend and I was beyond ecstatic because he was a total babe and a great kisser… 🙂 But that didn’t work out. Then I turned 28 and oddly enough didn’t have a melt down because all of my friends are married and I am just over here trying to get a guy to like me. A week after my birthday I swore off men and told myself I didn’t care how hot the guy was, if he asked me out, I wasn’t going. That lasted about 4 days because I met a guy on the Greenway that was one of the more fun human beings I’ve met in my life. But that didn’t work out either.
Well. Shit. That was middle of September. Starting in June I had gone to a clients retirement party, a clients going away party, a bachelorette party, a wedding, girls night out once a week, 110 dinners, countless dates, birthdays and just plain going out partying which meant I was drinking…a lot. Like 5 nights a week. Not the best thing to admit but I wasn’t getting trashed every time. I was having fun. I didn’t blog because I was living my life instead of blogging about it. I didn’t make the time to blog and I didn’t really care because for the first time in my life, I was creating a life I was happy with and blogging didn’t fit in. (No I was not masking anything by drinking a lot, as much as some people might think). I knew I would get back to my blog when I was ready with more stories than I can write about in one sitting.
And here I am. I started this blog post by talking about where I was 1 year ago; 125 lbs and 14.5% body fat with brief moments of happiness that were centered around my body. I went through a period of time where I was miserable about my breakup, my body, my level of fitness, the fact I was single and was way too focused on finding a boyfriend to the point where I forgot about me. But after that last guy I went on a few dates with I decided I was just going to date myself for a while. I stopped going out as much, I started writing and reading more and I started doing things that allowed me to get to know me.
Today I sit here 12 lbs heavier and 7.5% more body fat and I can say that I am truly happy, like 99% of the time because let’s be serious, I can’t be happy 100% of the time, I am a human after all. The difference in this happiness scale is that a year ago this happiness came in brief waves and were mostly centered around my body. When I lost that body that I worked so hard to get, what did I have to make me happier? The answer: a beautiful life. I found it and I love it.
This weekend I showed my parents that Timehop reminder and they asked the same question I ask myself when I look at pictures from a year ago…
Are you happier now?
A simple question with an answer that allows me to smile everyday…insanely happier in every facet of my life. I focus my happiness around the things that matter to me. Number 1 thing being me, simply because, and I’ve said this before, if you can’t love yourself first, there’s no point in loving someone else. I am happy with where I am at in my life, more so than I have been even with every blog post I’ve written saying the same thing. One of my promises to myself is that “I will surround myself with those who bring something positive to my life. Those who motivate and inspire me.” Every person in my life fills exactly that promise.
Happiness is a state of mind created by your environment. Make that environment wonderful and your insecurities and fears will diminish to the point of non existence.