My dearest mother kept a book of a lot of my school writings and about a year ago, I came across this letter that I wrote to myself on July 25th, 2003. As I read this 11 years later I am truly in shock at what I wrote. All these things that I tell my future self were things I wish I could have read at every happy moment, every sad moment, every major decision and every major turning point in my life since then. It always comes back to love and happiness with me; an abundance of it.
You are almost 17 years old. It feels like just yesterday that you were a Freshmen in high school. You are now entering your senior year and everything has changed so much since then. You’ve been through things that you could only dream about going through and you’ve been through things that I’m sure you never dreamed you’d go through and unfortunately you may experience more situations like that. All you have to do is remember who you are and remember that you don’t deserve to be treated the way you were treated this past year. You are better than that and you know it, so don’t ever forget it. Ever.
Life will be difficult but it will be worth it. You will have moments of pain and sadness but they will be outweighed by moments of joy and happiness. Someone will make you happy someday whether you believe it or not. You will find someone that will make all the pain you’ve ever felt go away. This person will be special and will treat you well. He will believe in you and in what you do and you will love him not for what he does or what he has accomplished but for who he is. You will not care what people think of him because all that matters is that you love each other.
But not everything is about finding the right one. Eventually you will have to get a job that will support you and your financial needs. Who knows what you can do and who you can be. Just remember that you can do anything, be anything, anything at all, you just have to set your mind to it. Ambition and determination is what is needed and you have both. Dont let anything get in the way of your dreams. Always be kind to people, even if you don’t like them. Lend a helping hand to someone in need. Dont take your life for granted because a million other people would kill to have the good fortune you’ve had and will have. Think not only of yourself but of others too. And always remember to get to know someone before you judge, because you know how much it hurts to be judged.
Life is a journey with many different paths. It is up to you to choose the right one. Choose one where no one makes you feel inferior, where you don’t let yourself feel inferior. Choose a life that allows you to reach your goals and follow your dreams. Dont base your life around someone unless the time comes in which you can have a family, because having a family means making sacrifices. The scarifies that you make will be overcome by the joy of having a family. Just do yourself a favor and don’t settle down too soon. Make sure the man you intend to marry is the right one. A man that you can picture raising kids with, a man that you can picture growing old with and a man that will treat you well and love you with every ounce of his heart.
Whatever you do with your life, make sure you are happy. If you are not, do whatever it takes to change that because life isn’t worth it unless you are happy. And finally, live your life to the fullest. Take advantage of a good opportunity when it comes your way because they may not come very often. And don’t waste your days because life is just too precious and too short.
Now, I can’t exactly remember what happened that year that caused me pain but I can be sure that I have been in pain since then but I’ve come out of that pain a stronger person. I’ve been excessively happy since then and excessively sad since then. I’ve been bat shit crazy since then and I’ve been a relatively normal person since then. I’ve been misunderstood and misunderstood others. I’ve placed blame on others and I’ve placed blame on myself. I’ve made sacrifices and others have made them for me. I’ve taken life for granted, I’ve been selfish, I’ve made others unhappy, I’ve made myself unhappy, I’ve doubted myself more times than I care to count and I’ve wasted moments and days being unhappy.
As I sit here, writing this post, I look back on the last year because it’s been one of the most influential years of my life. It’s been a year of personal growth, one in which I really had to force myself to look inwards to see why I wasn’t happy. There were a lot of voids, a lot of needs unmet in my life that I was reaching for, trying to claw at with every bone in my body. When every filled void disappeared, when every need was met (or so I thought) but was taken away, all I was left with was me and I didn’t like me very much. So I made a choice to change that and I did. Now if something is taken away from me, I still like the person standing in front of that mirror.
Not every day is perfect in how you act and treat others and yourself and it shouldn’t be because then we lose our perspective of what is truly amazing and what truly matters. But if every day we try a little harder to be a little better, a little nicer, a little more understanding, a little less judgmental of not only others but of ourselves, we come out a lot happier and it’s that kind of happiness that comes from you, the kind that can’t be taken away. Love yourself with every ounce of your heart.
Ironic to me that my 17 year old self told my future self not to settle down too soon. She was so smart. 🙂