I like to think, a lot, and it is sometimes to a fault. I am very open and honest in my thoughts and words and this post is no different. I like to share those thoughts and words in the hopes that someone can relate and maybe say, “Hey, I am not alone in this world” or can be motivated and inspired, or whatever emotion you feel when you read about my life. I never had anyone like that so I am doing and offering to whoever will take what I never had. This post is about losing someone you love but in return learning how to live and love your life for you. Raw emotion. Living in the moment. Hell, my whole blog is real, I throw my thoughts and emotions out on the line and I am proud of that. Life gets hard, life gets easy, life sometimes sucks but then in a moment it can be the most amazing thing. Life and living is about appreciating it all. In the last 2 weeks I have gone through every emotion that I can imagine…if there are more, I don’t want to know about them. Last night was no different in the experience in range of emotions. But let’s back track a moment…
Up until 2 ish weeks ago I had not been having much fun for the previous 6 ish months. I was dieting and crushing myself at the gym which yes gave me a body that I loved but also (looking back on it) made me neurotic and miserable. I was obsessive about what I ate and honestly stopped enjoying food. It’s sole purpose was to fuel the machine. I was pursuing modeling and was planning to send a portfolio to Wilhelmina in NYC as they had shown interest in me. Dieting, working out and modeling became my fun, became my life. If you visit my facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/karaAcrow, and look past all the posts about my injuries, you will see the obsession in full effect. But in some sense of the word, you could say I had fun because I love to workout and model and if dieting makes me look like I did, then sure, I had fun dieting too.
So yes, I had fun moments and what not, but I am not talking about halfway fun where your mind is somewhere or with someone else. I am talking about the kind of fun where you are in the moment, you forget about all your worries, you forget about the past and the future, and the one thing you care about is who is sitting right in front of you. When friends would ask me to hang out, I always hesitated and usually said no because it involved drinking and eating things that were not on the diet plan. And there was only really one person I wanted to spend my time with, but we never really did anything FUN. Needless to say and as I have said before, I no longer spend time with that person which means I have a lot of time and energy on my hands.
As much as I want to forget about this person, I can’t. I am thankful for my time spent with him as I learned a lot by being with him and I am reminded of this every moment. So in an attempt to move on and distract myself, I have gone out and tried to have fun with friends but he has been on my mind so much that I couldn’t truly relax or have the fun and the laughs I desperately need. I was thinking about every moment I have spent with him and it was paining my heart…literally I was having chest pain. But I mean don’t get me wrong, I have been laughing, but I want the laughs that get to my belly, like a little baby laughs. Now those are real laughs. We all need to laugh like that. The kind of laugh that comes from a comment or an action you weren’t expecting. Gosh I love that. I smile now as I think of all the laughs I have yet to experience.
So last night I had plans to go out with a girlfriend from work and then meet up with some other coworkers. Night time is the hardest for me without him in my life so of course I start crying…bauling actually…and I am texting my coworker telling her he is the only one who can make me stop hurting, the only one who can make me happy. I said I stare blankly at my screen and cry. This is so hard. I feel so weak and pathetic. I was basically having a pity party without the ice cream. Now my coworker (and friend of course) is more real than me and she gave it to me straight and narrow.
“Kara you gotta cut the shit. You are making the conscious decision to let yourself continue to feel and be miserable. No it’s not (insert bad swear word) easy, life rarely is. You are letting yourself be weak. You do not (insert same bad swear word) need him. You have such a wonderful LIFE worth living, and you haven’t even scratched the surface of true LOVE. And plus you are 10 times prettier when you don’t cry. I suggest you use that to your advantage. :)”
Damn. Shit just got real. No more pity party. I dried my tears, blew my nose because I couldn’t breathe, blow dried and straightened my hair, did my makeup and put on some hot ass heels and I went OUT. We went to Douzo in Back Bay for dinner (WHOLLY MOLY you should ALL go there), did some drinking, some life hashing, some boy bashing and from that moment on, I forgot he existed. I don’t know how it happened, it just did. It was the first time I didn’t feel like I had to put on a happy face because I was so damn depressed under the surface. It was the first time I enjoyed what was right in front of me. I felt truly happy. I felt the kind of happy that I had been searching for the last few weekends but wasn’t even coming close to feeling.
And that happiness continued as we moved on to Brownstone to meet some other friends. I didn’t think of him once. I don’t even know what I was thinking about. To be honest, I don’t believe that I was thinking, at least not up to my normal standards which is simply exhausting. Actually I lied, I was thinking about chocolate chip cookie sliders which they no longer have at Brownstone. So instead we got chicken fingers and truffle fries.
I have not enjoyed this type of food as much as I did in what seems like an eternity. My friends looked at me with smiles on their faces and said, “We missed this Kara.” And by this Kara they mean the carefree, bubbly, excited, outgoing, laughable Kara. The Kara I am but have failed to be. I had gotten lost in the scramble of my life. My happiness came to rely on someone else’s choices, words and actions and that is no one’s fault but my own. I forgot how to LIVE, how to appreciate those people in your life that won’t leave you when shit gets hard or when you become so psycho and overwhelming that no one wants to be around you. Those are the people that “get me” and that understand who I am and love me for all that I am. I love those people and I want them back in my life. I like to tell myself I just took a little vacation. If it is one thing I have always known but learned for the 10 millionth time, never lose touch with your friends. Boyfriends (and some friends) come and go, but when you find those people who stand by your side through the good and the bad, hold on to them and don’t let go. There are many more friends I am thankful for, these are just the ones I had the pleasure of spending time with last night. It was so nice to be able to live in the moment for the first time in wayyyyyyy too long. Thanks for keeping it and me real.
(Don’t judge the horrible picture quality. My phone takes bad pictures.)
I woke up this morning alone. Normally that would sadden me as I am used to him being there but for once, I was okay with it. Actually more than okay with it, I actually LOVED waking up alone. And I woke up smiling and it wasn’t a forced smile either. To make my day even better I got lunch with my godmother, her brother and my goddaughter at North Street Grille (seriously, go there too…OMG).
Life got real today and I am more than ready for it. So I leave this post with a smile on my face and a very happy gut. 🙂
Life isn’t about being happy with what is next to you, it’s about being happy with what is within you. Life is a fickle thing, you think you are where you are suppose to be but all of the sudden worlds collide and things change. If these things were not meant to be easy we would not have the ability to feel compassion and sadness. My humble suggestion is to take what you learned from the past and grow on it. Live, love, and most importantly be at peace with yourself.