Today I was sitting in the gym trying to do any amount of work that I could manage to do without falling asleep at the cafe in the middle of that very well lit, very LOUD gym that is just teeming with people all the time. How do I manage to stay awake? Lots and lots and lots of coffee. It’s a vicious cycle. I don’t sleep through the night (more on that in a minute), ever, so I wake up and am exhausted. Pulling myself out of bed is like pulling me away from a cannoli, a chocolate croissant, a vegan blueberry scone and the sugar cookies I made yesterday. Close to impossible.
I ate more than I care to admit. My first sugar cookies ever! Mmmmmm.
Anyways, I fall asleep in the middle of the day without trying to or wanting to, my vision goes double and I often find myself staring into space. So of course I resort to coffee, especially this time of year when training sessions are in high demand, 12 hour days at the gym are the norm and 6 hours of sleep is a luxury, a BIG luxury. I am currently getting no more than 4-4.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep which has been going on for about 6 months. It’s like clockwork…every night between 11 and midnight I get up; and it is not to pee…it is to EAT. As if my endless cooking and baking and therefore endless taste testing and eating isn’t enough for my digestive system.
It started when I was in a, Kara is over exercising and under eating phase in order to fit into skimpy workout clothes so she can do a test shoot and send photos to Wilhelmina and hopefully get signed and be on the cover of Women’s Health, Fitness Magazine and Shape Magazine someday (which is still a dream of mine…try saying THAT in one breath). It made sense that sleep was getting in the way of my eating because my metabolism was on warp speed. But I am not dieting anymore and I barely workout which means my metabolism should be somewhat slower…in theory but really who the hell knows?
At first I thought I had just developed a really annoying habit. It is not so much the eating that bothers me, it is the fact that it happens every night. That every efffffing night I am waking up between the same hours to do a seemingly pointless thing at that hour of the night. I mean really, who actually needs a sugar cookie covered in fresh ground peanut butter and apple cider jelly at midnight? Thank heavens that is not my normal indulgence. Usually it is an apple or banana with peanut butter. One time it was salmon… The other morning, however, I woke up with a cereal bowl next to my head and didn’t remember it being put there. Thank the relationship gods I sleep alone again. How would I explain that to another person? Jeepers.
But then it hit me today while I was at my therapists office…I am lonely. And I’ll give you one guess as to when it’s the worst; the one time of day that is most difficult being single again…
Night time. Sleepy time. The time when I cuddle with my stuffed bunny that I have had since I was 10 that I cleverly named Bun Bun, which informally became my nickname from my ex. She was a constant joke whenever we would snuggle up under the covers. If I was mad at him, Bun Bun went between us but for the most part she just hung out next to me.
This is just a theory but when I wake up in the middle of the night and he’s not there, I remember my loneliness, I remember he’s not there and never will be. It is simply a distant memory, one that provokes something to take a way the loneliness. Now, what single thing do most females resort to after a break up in order to comfort their broken hearts??? FOOD!!! DING DING! I wake up, I am lonely, I have a snack, I feel whole again, I go back to sleep. I didn’t binge eat or sympathy eat after my breakup, so maybe this is just my self conscious mind giving me a big FU.
But then I look at my food consumption today…eggs, sugar cookies, chicken, more sugar cookies and this…
…and then more sugar cookies and wine…clearly my subconscious caught up. All I know is I better sleep through the night tonight since I already comfort ate the entire damn day. I don’t feel lonely right now. I’m not hungry. I’m tired. So we should be all set right? My conscious grants a smiling, bubbly, “yup!” but we’ll see what type of roller coaster my subconscious wants to go on.
And like that 10 year old Kara that jumped for joy when her father gave her a stuffed bunny for Easter, this 27 year old Kara still jumps for joy every time she is reminded that at the end of the day she is happy, even if she is barely sleeping and likes to eat peanut butter and jelly covered cookies in the middle of the night. Plus, who needs a man to snuggle with when you have a 17 year old stuffed bunny that will never break your heart?