It is almost 8 am as I start this post and I have just taken my Oxycodone and Tylenol so I have a short window before I fall asleep. I have been weening off the Valium because it absolutely destroys any brain function I could manage to have but even without it I am feeling a little lightheaded and woozy but not so much that I can’t write so I decided to take this brief moment of motivation and somewhat clear headedness to write a bit.

Yesterday was probably one of the harder days for me emotionally. I started to miss someone that I shouldn’t really miss and I started to feel like a waste of space. Having hip surgery isn’t THAT big of a deal. Surgery is surgery. People have it and people recover from it. This just so happens to be my first one so it’s kind of a big deal for me. I haven’t left my house since I got home Tuesday night which is partially because I have been in too much pain but more because Vermont tends to be an ice skating rink right now…all of it. I guess I-89 was backed up for 3 hours yesterday. Yeah, no thanks. Even my driveway was a sheet of ice and then to top it off it started pouring. So I continued to sit on my couch to sleep, text and to stare blankly at my computer screen wishing and willing myself to write, but I just could not do it. I couldn’t even manage to hit one key to start a post or start a journal entry. There just seems nothing fun to write about. I can’t get in the zone and I need to be in that zone or else it all just seems forced.

I hate not writing and I hate not wanting to write. I’ve gotten reassurance from those who have been on these drugs that it is completely normal to have this reaction, this fog, this daze that I tend to be living in since Tuesday. Every now and then I get shocks of anxiety about not writing, not reading, not crocheting, not doing anything and I am not good at doing nothing. I feel useless. I have to ask my parents to do everything for me. I can manage to make my own meals but it takes FOREVER simply because I have to crutch to the fridge and back with one item at a time and when you need more then 3 items, it tends to take some time. I am weight bearing more than I probably should at this point because it makes everything go faster. People tell me to take this time to rest and relax and to sleep as much as I can and not feel guilty about it but all I am thinking about is what I am NOT doing that I should be doing.

I never realized that having surgery and recovering from it could make me this tired. I want my routine back. I miss waking up at 4:30 am, I miss my friends, I miss my clients, I miss my apartment, I miss my Malbec (although it has been a nice little detox as I did get a little crazy with it the week before my surgery) I miss Boston and surprisingly…I miss Equinox. I miss the gym, a lot and not because of working out. Hell, I could care less about that right now, I just miss everyone there. I miss the music playing all day, I miss the sound of weights dropping, I miss the stinky smell of the employee break room and I even miss the occasional grunt from those men trying to be all macho lifting with their less than impressive weight selection and even less impressive execution of form.

So yeah, yesterday kind of sucked. But then I was chatting with my girl Susan, or rather I was complaining simply because of the fact that I was feeling sorry for myself but then I stopped and I thought…”pull your head out of your ass, get out of your own way and stop feeling sorry for yourself.” It could be SO much worse and feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere. In fact, it goes against everything I have been writing about for the last few months. Talk about finding happiness from within…jeepers have I had to do a lot of THAT this week. So I decided to sit down this morning (before I fall back asleep from these drugs) and note what I am thankful for and why feeling sorry for myself is pointless.

1) First and foremost, yesterday was the first shower I had in 4 days. My hair was DISGUSTING. I am naturally blonde and yes it darkens in the winter but after 4 days it looked like a brown slip and slide…

I can’t tell you how amazing that shower felt. I managed to do it without any help…2 thumbs up for that accomplishment because I am pretty sure neither of my parents nor I wanted to help or have help showering. My mother kindly told me after my shower, “Well you smell much better.” Thanks mom.

2) I got to take the bandages off and see what arthroscopic surgery actually did to my hip…

   (my beautiful bandaid job after)

I thought hard about posting that picture but then it occurred to me A) you can’t see anything naughty and B) I did an underwear shoot so the only difference between that picture and what you all will see when those pictures come out, is that I had a small bikini bottom on…and plus, I think it’s pretty cool that they can reattach my labrum and shave down bone by only making three small incisions.

3. My brother came and visited me for a long time and we had a nice chat. I don’t really ever get to see my brother (the one that lives in Vermont) so whenever I get the chance, I always cherish it.

4. My other brother called me via FaceTime to check up on me. I can’t tell you enough how much that means to me. And in the process I got to see my cute little niece who is growing up wayyyy to fast!

5. I get to wear these cool compression socks that keep the swelling down because let me tell you..when you are laid up all day, ya get nice and swollen! And plus, it’s squeezing out all my holiday fat. 😉 Oh and these cool slippers that the nurse liaison gave me per order of the Woodster!

6. I have a father who is willing to inject me with Lovenox every 12 hours so that my blood doesn’t clot. He is such a good nurse in training…

There is a video on Facebook of the process but I can’t seem to put it in here so here’s the link if you want to see it and if it works…https://www.facebook.com/kara.crow.94

But it makes my stomach look like a war zone…the little tiny dots are from the needle punctures and this picture doesn’t even do it justice. Oh and by the way, if you find my 6 pack, please return it to me. Thanks!

7. My mother makes me the BEST mocha EVER and is sending me back to Boston with meals so I don’t have to worry about cooking for a day or two. Blessing right there.

8. Three days ago my girl Tania brought me a care package…missing from this photo is the Malbec I can’t drink for a while and the popcorn that is already gone…well actually it’s all already almost gone. 🙂 She knows me so well!

9. I got a visit from my goddaughter, godmother and family friend which totally brightened my day. Always nice to have extended family when you’re feeling kind of down.

10. I have friends and family that check up on me every day and send me well wishes. The number of texts and emails I had when I came out of surgery was heart warming. I have people I rarely talk to or barely know telling me how strong I am, that this too shall pass and that it’s okay to relax. They reassure me that everything I am feeling and thinking is normal. I guess I never realized how many people actually care about me and the best part is, I care about them too. 🙂

When all is said and done, I am thankful for many things and I try to remember those. Writing helps. This blog helps but it has been hard to write. Is this whole thing challenging my patience and positive attitude? Hell yeah. Am I antsy and stir crazy and have some serious anxiety, especially about returning to work and everything that entails? Without a doubt. But I am taking it moment by moment. I am letting myself feel the anxiety when it comes and I am letting myself feel the happiness when it comes. At the end of the day, this is just hip surgery. I will be off crutches before I know it. Some people have said they feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for me (well maybe a little yesterday…I was having a girl day) and I don’t want others to feel sorry for me. It’s just hip surgery and it’s a temporary limitation.

One thing I have gotten really good at is making fun of myself, of doing things to humble myself, to make sad things funny, to make boring and mundane things interesting and fun. Hell, I get injected every 12 hours with a dangerous drug that thins my blood so it doesn’t clot but that can make me bleed to death if I fall which is why I get to wear this bad boy…

Yeah you see those veins…lots of blood flowing through those bad boys.

But I laugh at it. I laugh at the fact that after all this time, after all the worrying about how my body would change before and after my hip surgery because of having to scale back on exercise so my hip wouldn’t hurt all the damn time, because of HAVING to eat donuts and pastries and HAVING to drink Malbec in order to fuel all my imperfections, to misplace my 6 pack, and to spend more time with friends and family, I suddenly realize it was all worth it. This surgery was a blessing in disguise. It made me realize what is important in life. It changed my attitude towards life. I laugh more and look at life with wide open eyes, which if you haven’t noticed by now, I have REALLY tiny eyes, so that’s saying a lot.

I wouldn’t change a thing about the last 2 months. I wouldn’t change having to have hip surgery, I wouldn’t change having to sit on my ass for a week, I wouldn’t change the fact that I have a quarter of the strength in my legs that I used to have and that I have put on some fat LBS. I have had more fun in the last 2 months than I have had in my entire life because I finally started to LIVE my life. Even though this change was a long time coming, it was like I was waiting or even looking for something to get my ass in gear. I needed that extra push because for the longest time I felt lost. Do I still feel lost at times? Hell yeah. But I am closer to where I want to be than ever before and that’s just so pee in my pants exciting!!

So now I move onward and upward. I have so much to look forward to: getting off crutches, having jacked arms from my crutches, physical therapy, rebuilding my strength, finding my 6 pack, not having to wear my bracelet because I will be off blood thinners in a few weeks, waking up at 4:30 am again every day, squatting, running, jumping, maybe modeling again and most importantly continuing to have as much fun as I possibly can. Yes, I have so much to be thankful for.

Here’s to writing the next book in my life. I can feel nothing but insanely giddy about writing it…or maybe its the Oxycodone…who knows? 🙂 And yes it just took me 2 hours to write this post but I did not fall asleep like I thought I would. Big gains up here in Vermont.

I’ve never been on pain killers. Ever. I’ve only heard stories of what it is like to be on them. I hear stories about people becoming addicted to pain killers and it ruins their lives. No offense to anyone who has been or is addicted to them but I don’t see why anyone would want to depend on this shit. Not only am I lightheaded and dizzy all the time (thank God I haven’t thrown up) but my brain is mush and all I want to do is sleep. All.The.Time. Now for someone that likes to go go go all the time, read, write and exercise my brain and my body, I don’t like this feeling at all. Don’t get me wrong, I love to sleep (even though as a personal trainer, a lot of sleep does not exist for me) but to wake up at 7 am, have my father inject me with my Lovenox…

(God bless my father for doing that every 12 hours)

…eat breakfast, take my Valium, Oxycodone and Tylenol and immediately feel woozy and want to go back to bed is extremely frustrating. I will sleep for about 1-2 hours, wake up feeling woozy, text some of my friends so I have some social (ish) interactions and then close my eyes and fall back asleep. Oh and I eat somewhere in there to but nothing is very appealing. My night eating apparently hasn’t subsided…I had pizza at 2 am thanks to my father. It was heaven.

So in anticipation of entertaining myself and being the total nerd that I am, I brought a bunch of books by my favorite author Jodi Picoult with me to Vermont thinking, “Hey, I will have a week of laying on my ass doing nothing so I will be a reading machine!” I also brought a lot of yarn so that I could crochet some hats for my clients as their Christmas presents. Yes, if you are a client of mine reading this, that is your Christmas present. But at the rate my mind is going right now, you might not get it until next year. That’s the thing, crocheting takes no brain power but for some reason the thought of crocheting is exhausting. Writing this post is exhausting. Over stimulating even. My mom is making a bunch of noise in the kitchen and all I want is piece and quiet. It’s like my brain is over loaded. The only reason I like my pain killers is because they take me to dream land where I can rest my body and my mind, which as we all know by now, rarely happens. This is the first time in my life I can say that as a conscious human being my mind is NOT running a mile a minute, which is a nice break but it is definitely causing me anxiety. And because of this, I don’t like being awake on my pain killers, I don’t like it at all.

I’m constantly thirsty and I can’t seem to get enough water which means I am peeing all the time and let me tell you going to the bathroom is not fun. The first time I actually went pee was right when I got back from the hospital. The recovery room nurse said that I probably wouldn’t pee until the morning. WRONG….and oh my goodness it was so ******* painful to sit down on that little toilet. Anytime I sit down or get up my hip screams at me which is also why I hate going to the bathroom. My mom had to help me and trust me, as a 27.5 year old, the last thing I want my mom helping me with is peeing…well I guess the other option would be worse….anyways, it has gotten easier but having thigh high compression socks and a constant ice pack on my leg makes peeing not an easy feat. Although that constant ice pack is a savior…

Ice cold water…ahhhhh. It’s almost better than the pain killers.

Those socks go all the way up to my pelvis to keep the blood flowing and prevent swelling and blood clotting. I almost like them because they seem to be squeezing allllll the fat out that I managed to put on my legs through holiday indulgence 🙂

So I am on day 3 of recovery and I can manage to lift my own leg without excruciating pain! (Even though within seconds it aches quite badly) Up until today my parents had to lift my leg onto and off of the couch for me. When I use my crutches I can actually swing my leg a little bit without pain which is a first. The intervals between drug taking is spacing out – instead of every 4 hours its more around every 6-7. I feel a little less helpless than I did the last two days. And I managed to change out of my red polka dot pajamas and actually put contacts in. And since today is the UVM Carnival I decided to represent by wearing my Catamount Athletics sweat pants!

And for some reason on the front page of the Stowe Reporter they used this picture to advertise the UVM Carnival…

Yeah that was me freshman year!!!! After I saw that I just had to put on my sweats to represent! I wish I could have gone to cheer them on so my father did it for me.

All in all I am looking at the positives, ya know the little things matter: picking up my own leg, going up and down stairs faster every day, going to the bathroom alone, not being in excruciating pain, being able to put a little bit of weight on my leg, not watching the clock to see when I can take my pain killers since the pain has subsided a bit. Knowing that in a week I will start PT gets me excited and knowing that tomorrow I can shower for the first time since my surgery…which mind you was Tuesday.

Every now and then I get little bouts of anxiety and I get extremely frustrated and irritable and want to scream at the top of my lungs but I take a few deep breaths and it goes away temporarily. This is the first time in my life I have not been able to do the things I want to do and do them quickly. I am learning patience. Lots and lots of patience. This surgery, like I said in an earlier post, was the climax to many of my lifestyle changes, it was an eye opener and in a way I fear what my life will be like after, will I continue to be positive, to live my life with passion and with no fear? Because I will admit at times I used this as an excuse. But then I think, was it really an excuse? And if it was an excuse, what on earth was it an excuse for? It was an excuse for nothing except toning down my workout routines and relaxing a little bit more in life.

I changed my attitude and became more positive about life because I wanted to. It had nothing to do with my surgery. I know that all of the positive things I have learned, all of the strength I have gained in myself and my choices in life will continue as I go through rehab and as I return to full activity. Of course the positivity and strength will not change because it is who I am, it is a part of me and my character. Just because this surgery finally happened, doesn’t mean I will change my outlook on life. Yes I will get frustrated at times, but that is part of life. It is how I will overcome that frustration that it is important…just like the frustration I am overcoming now.

Like writing this post…It is frustrating because I cannot seem to find the words that I want to say or in the manner I want to say them. In my posts I strive for perfection, for those words that fit perfectly together, that blend so much that reading it is simply easy, that there is a flow, that it is fun to read. I don’t feel that fun when I am writing this post or the post two days ago, so I almost decided to not blog at all this week because these meds are causing this mental block and I don’t like it one bit. I haven’t written in my journal yet which is unlike me in a case such as this. I keep missing the right keys and have to back space more than I care to admit. But just like I am overcoming this surgery, I am forcing myself to overcome this “writers block” that I feel I have. So I write this post and will write again tomorrow even if it is hard and frustrating because I want to continue to challenge my mind as much as I am continuing to challenge my body…slowly challenge my body that is.

So it is my hope that this post makes some sense. 🙂

Well I made it through my first surgery and it was a success. Now just to recap yesterday…I got to Children’s Hospital in Boston at 11 am yesterday the 7th and didn’t get called for pre-op until 12 even though I was scheduled for 12:30 pm. At that point I was on hour 13 of fasting. If you know me, you know that I eat every few hours and that I love to eat. So in anticipation of this fast I went out to dinner and got a bacon cheeseburger on a brioche roll with truffle french fries and for dessert I had a scoop of caramel swirl and a scoop of coffee ice cream both of which came with a cookie…as if I had’t had 7 oatmeal raisin chocolate chip cookies already that day.

When I got home from dinner I had two gingerbread donuts from the restaurant Trade on Atlantic Ave that my friend who manages it gave to me as a get well gift…or because he knows I am obsessed. If you have never been there, please do. It is amazing. Great atmosphere, great staff, great management, GREAT Malbec, although I really only go for the donuts…mmmm. I basically wanted to eat as much food as I could manage so that I wouldn’t fall into my night eating trap since I wasn’t allowed to eat passed 11 pm, which I can proudly say I DID NOT DO! I did not night eat. I remember one point in the night where I was sitting up in my bed trying my hardest to just lay back down and not head into my kitchen. I cannot tell you how proud of myself that I laid right back down and passed out.

I was so excited that I  got to sleep in which is a rarity and a God send because I was trying to stay out of my kitchen so I wouldn’t be tempted to use my new Nespresso machine and have my usual eggs and chicken sausage. Somehow I managed to do it. So mom and dad pick me up at 10 and I am on my way. Sitting in that waiting room for over an hour to be called in was torture. All I wanted was water, which I had to stop consuming at 10 am and a breakfast sandwich or a donut. Damn those donuts! Finally at noon they call my name….shit just got real. Is this actually, FINALLY happening???

First they have me pee in a cup…now my question is for you ladies, how the hell do you not miss that damn cup??? I mean seriously? Who has that kind of control? Clearly I do not know how. Baffles me every time.  (Remember now I am on some pain meds right now) They take my vitals, ask me questions I have been asked 10,000 times at this point, teach me how to use crutches, have me change into my hospital gown, have the hematologist come down and teach me how to inject Lovenox; a blood thinner that I get to inject into my body every 12 hours for the next 3 weeks…what a joy that will be, especially at work. Hey guys, who wants to inject me with a needle???

Ugh. Finally I meet with the surgeon who is the coolest dude ever, then the anesthesiologist, sign more and more and more paper work, tell them my name and date of birth about 15 times, attach a little bracelet that says what I am allergic to, and mark and sign the hip to be operated on. My right one. Then the fun starts and of course I had to give two thumbs up for my first surgery.

They inject the IV into my left hand which didn’t feel great but was totally bearable. Then comes the fun stuff. The relaxation drug that they give you before they bring you into the operating room. Being that this was my first surgery, I was shocked at how many people were in the OR. They told me who was who but I don’t really remember. Next thing I know they are injecting what I think was the anesthesia which really fucking hurt. Excuse my swearing but it felt like someone was running a knife up along my vein. I remember wanting to punch the guy but before I could manage a strong swing, I was out cold.

I guess it was an hour and a half surgery and it took me an hour to come to. Apparently I am super human and the amount of anesthesia they gave me wasn’t enough so they had to pump some more into my little body (as they referred to it after wards). So I awake with a startle and I immediately know where I am and what they had done because the pain in my hip was excruciating. Within two seconds my parents are there. They told me that I basically stared at the wall for a solid half hour, slurring any words that came out of my mouth. Then the nurse injects me with Lovenox, makes me take my Valium, Oxycodon and Tylenol, set me in a wheelchair and wheel me away.

I was stoned out of my mind in this picture if you couldn’t tell. Next feat was getting into the damn suburban. Again, thank God for drugs. Sitting in the back of that bad boy I was a Chatty Cathy and totally fascinated by this little cold bag because whenever I squeezed the button sent nice ice cold water into the hip…heaven.on.earth.

Thank God I was in and out of consciousness the whole ride home because my hip was really pissed off.

This is a good representation of how I felt.

Finally home. Drugged up, exhausted, in pain and  hungry, so mother effing hungry but since my stomach was a little queasy, this was all I managed…

A small amount of chicken noodle soup and some toast and butter. I fall onto the couch shortly after so my dad can squeeze some ice cold water into the ice pack on my hip…

Clearly so happy.

At this point it is 10:30 and the pain killers are no longer doing their job. I ask my dad when I can take my next dose…midnight. FML. So I take some sleepy medicine to pass out, have my parents lift my right leg onto my bed since there is absolutely no way I can even move that baby on my own, my dad squeezes the little blue ball to inject the ice cold water and I fall asleep for an hour until he comes back in with heaven.

Then 2 am rolls around…”Daaaad” I say in a cute and calm voice…”can I have some toast?” Thank god for parents. Let me tell you. They are the most amazing people in the world. My poor dad got up like 4 times to take care of me. At 4 am he comes back in with my 4th round of pain killers. I manage to sleep til 7:30, anxiously waiting for round 5. I eat some eggs and toast, take my drugs and pass out into dream land…seriously heaven on earth. I awake, start texting all my friends because I am already so bored…oh I forgot to mention I get to wear this cool little bracelet for 3 weeks…

And one of my clients was nice enough to hook me up with a little care package that included these…

Thanks Woody!!

Oh and then I got these…

Thanks Rick and Kris!!!

So now it’s almost 3 pm and I am lying on my couch in my pajamas writing, always writing. I don’t feel too drugged up which is weird based on how out of if I was on my last 6 dosages. But oh boy when those pain killers wear off…damn. I never, ever want to have surgery again. Today has been a good day, minus I need help getting up, sitting down, going to the bathroom…oh and I can’t shower for 3 days…just a nice little sponge bath. Can’t wait to take the bandages off and see what my hip looks like!

All in all, nothing too crazy to report other than I can’t believe after two months of waiting in anticipation for this to happen, that it finally has and I am on the road to recovery. It’s funny when you look forward to something so much, while still appreciating every day, and when that one thing you look forward to happens, you think, what now? But then I realize I have a lot more fun ahead of me. So I leave you with this gem of a picture that depicts how I feel right now…mind you I have a broken IPad which is why it is slightly blurry. Go me.

Oh and if you care to look at the pictures they took while fixing my hip…dig in..

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It is finally here…surgery. I have never had surgery and I never thought I would be so excited to have surgery. I realize now that this whole blog has kind of been based around going under the knife tomorrow. Everything that has happened to me in the last 2 months has been triggered by my change in lifestyle because I was accommodating for the pain in my hip. Yeah there was the whole breaking up with the boyfriend thing which was in fact somewhat related to this but for the most part it was all just a wake up call that I wasn’t exactly living my life in a way that was healthy for me, mentally and physically.

Don’t get me wrong, my growing as a person into someone I can say I am proud of and want to be like started way before I found out I had to get this surgery but it seems that it was kind of accelerated because I was forced to find other things that made me happy besides CrossFit, working out twice a day, dieting, etc. I looked at this surgery as a time where I can reset everything, start from scratch. My body has changed, especially over these last few weeks with all this holiday madness, and it will continue to change and I have accepted it and will continue to accept it.

When I first started thinking about it, I realized this is somewhat of a climax or the end to a chapter in the book of my life but then I think that maybe instead of a climax or end to a chapter in one book, it is instead a chance to start an entirely new book. It’s like starting over in a way; starting over on the right foot…or left since I wont be using my right leg for about 3 weeks. 🙂 I’m proud of everything I have accomplished in my life, but even more proud of where I’ve been in the last 2 months. It’s crazy to me that I feel as though I have learned more about who I am in 2 months than I have in my whole life. It was like I finally figured out what is important. I won’t bore you with all of it since I have written about it in almost every post but I will recap on what is most important in my life:

1. Above all else – I am important. My happiness is important. The degree to which I love myself is important. Being proud of myself when no one else seems to care is important. (Although I am learning that a lot of people do in fact care)

2. Independence from others. Being able to smile and have a great time even when I am all alone. I can’t tell you the number of times I have had so much fun jamming out to Taylor Swift and Hunter Hayes, that I don’t even need to hang out with people. That has never happened in my life before 2 months ago.

3. Freedom from doubt, worry and negativity. And not all the time, just much more often than not.

4. Smiling every chance I get.

5. Remembering and acknowledging all that I am thankful for, all my blessings. Every.single.day.

6. Making time for friends and family. Telling them how much I care about them, how awesome they are and how important they are.

7. Remembering the power of “No”, standing up for myself and what I want in life which comes from self-confidence and appreciation of self.

8. Remembering that dieting and being super lean does not define who I am, the type of person I am or how worthy I am of my own love and others love…even though sometimes when I look in the mirror I want to throw a towel over it…or throw a rock at it. Either one.

9. Cooking for health and enjoyment.

10. Sharing my life with people or a special someone…someday.

11. Stepping outside of my comfort zone so that I can live my life as fully as I can.

Which leads me to #12:

12. Writing. Writing has saved me these last few months. Without it, I’m not sure I would have made it, at least not in one mentally or physically stable piece. My life inspires me to write and my writing inspires me to live my life and I know it inspires some of you. And I don’t intend to stop.

There are so many other things that are important to me but it’s those first 12 that popped into my head before I really had to start thinking about it and they say what first comes to mind without thought is what’s truly important to us.

As I look back at the process to get here, I remember a few things about getting the diagnosis…skipping the primary care step saves a lot of time, scheduling with the receptionist can make or break your experience especially if you catch them making a huge mistake and scheduling you at the wrong office for the wrong procedure, hip arthrograms suck especially for the inflamed hip joint, sometimes anesthesia doesn’t work, when they say it will “sting like a bee” when they stick you with the needle they are in fact lying, hospital gowns are actually kind of comfortable, I quite enjoy MRIs because I fall asleep, nurses are very kind people (give them a high five when you see them), the whole process in getting diagnosed takes forever and because of this, and this was my most important lesson, if you have pain in your body that limits you in your daily activities, do not wait a year and a half to get it looked at.

It’s been quite a journey over the last 2 months and I am very thankful that I was able to write about it in my journal and write about it in my blog so that I could share it with all of you. I’ve received lots of emails, texts and phone calls to know that I am not alone in life, not alone in what I have been through and what I will go through and most shocking to me, that I inspire others with my strength and honesty. Even though I do look inside for my own strength, I have also always looked and will continue to look to others for strength because I used to feel I had no strength. Having this blog has helped me to find that strength I was desperately searching for and has allowed me to connect with others in a way that is truly inspiring. We really do feed off of one another. So thank you to you all for helping me to build my strength.

Now I wait anxiously for the hospital to call me and tell me what time my surgery is tomorrow. They will be attaching the labrum back to the bone and shaving down the bone growth on my hip. Thankfully it is an outpatient procedure and I will be home in Vermont tomorrow night starting to recover for the next week. If you are in Vermont, feel free to come entertain me and if you aren’t in Vermont, feel free to text me, call me, Facebook message me or message me on here to A) distract me, B) make me smile and laugh and C) give me some of that strength that I have always and will always need.

On August 19, 2013 I decided to start writing again. I used to write all the time. I have journals from 10 years old and on. Now however I am forced to type because my hand cannot keep up with my thoughts. In Times New Roman, font 12, single spaced I have written 107 pages, NOT including my blog.

People ask what I write about. I just write. I write about what inspires me, experiences and people that I am thankful for and even experiences and people I would rather not have in my life for various reasons. I acknowledge what each of these people and experiences have brought to my life and I make a mental note for the future. I write about sadness and happiness. I write when I cry and when I laugh. I write promises to myself to help maintain my mental strength. I scream and I swear and I write in all CAPS.

I do this so that today, tomorrow, 10 years from now, 50 years from now I can look back and remember what I felt, how it affected me and how I came back from things that at the time seemed traumatic. I look back so I can see how I suffered, how I overcame, how I thrived, how I became stronger from it all with every passing moment, how I learned every day of my life so that I can appreciate everything I experienced. So that I can realize that when they say life goes on, it really does and if you work towards a better future, maintain a positive attitude and love with all your heart, that the future and the past is yours, blissfully yours.

So tonight, New Years Eve, I choose to stay in, drink Malbec (obviously) and write. To reflect on my experiences in 2013 and what I learned about myself. But more importantly, to write about what 2014 means to me, what I mean to me, what life means to me. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

What I learned in 2013:

1. I love Malbec. And no I do not have a drinking problem. I just love to up play my love for Malbec because it makes me giggle and giggling is so much fun especially when you live alone and you’re the only one that hears it. (hehe 🙂 )

2. I do not need a man in my life to make me happy and I REALLY don’t need a man in my life that makes me sad. To “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” NEVER again. Self-love baby!

3. It is never okay to lose yourself in someone else, to allow their actions and words to change your state of mind, your goals, your happiness.

4. It is crucially important to know who you are, to know your beliefs, to know your values, to know how important YOU are to YOU, and to love yourself above all else. If you can’t start with loving yourself, you will never love someone else the way you should, or in a way that is healthy.

5. That I have a semi-terrible voice but in singing passionately and at the top of my lungs, I have the ability to make myself nauseatingly happy. Music saves me.

6.  Speaking of saving me…I have amazing friends and family that have picked me up off my kitchen floor when I am having panic attacks and am so depressed that the floor is more appealing than the beauty of the world. And that being said…

7. I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be because I could have stayed on that floor and ignored the encouragement and positive words of my friends and family but I made the choice to pick myself up and brave the world.

8. I struggle every day but in that struggle I exhibit strength, energy and force and that is all I can really ask for in this life. Strength is beauty.

9. I hate dieting because I love cooking and food.

10. My struggles with my eating disorder (6 years ago mind you) still affects me today but does not define me. My body does not define me.

11. That I can eat donuts and scones 3 days before an underwear shoot, get the job and still look fucking amazing. Yes, I just said that. Confidence is key in this world.

12. That I know how to write and inspire people like I never imagined. I never imagined this because at one point I was at such a low that I never thought I would make it out alive, literally. To recover from that and connect with people like I have is shocking to me and truly a blessing. It brings me the type of pride that comes very rarely in one’s life. And to think it is all from writing about my life that for a while to me seemed a life that no one would want to live, not even me. Thank you to those who fought my fight with me, you know who you are.

13. To appreciate my family and friends, love them, cherish them, tell them I love them because you never know when they will leave this beautiful earth. Rest in Peace Jack Nash. I think about you every day. Alex Kende, it’s been over a decade but I will never forget the beauty you brought into this world in the short life you lived. I think about you every day.

14. That I can set a goal and more than accomplish it…I set a goal time of 1:45:00 for my second half marathon. I finished in 1:42:45.

15. When Robert Frost said, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” He.was.so.right.

What I plan for 2014:

1. To wake up on January 1, 2014, take a deep breath of the single digit air and be thankful that I can actually wake up and breathe that air even though my lungs will probably freeze.

2. To continue to make myself nauseatingly happy by singing while writing, while in the shower (my best singing ever), while cooking, while cleaning, while walking to work in the morning (thankfully no one is awake when I do that), while doing anything that I do.

3. To make others happy, to make them feel special, to put a smile on their face simply because I can and simply because I want others to feel the joy I get to feel.

4. To never, ever stop writing.

5. To never stop being who I am and never stop living the life I believe in, ever.

6. To surround myself with people that allow me to live my life with the passion that I lost in the last 365 days but have regained just in time for a new year. For to me, a life without passion is a life not worth living.

7. To think of others and to treat them with the same respect that I would like back and to put others before myself when it is warranted.

8. To always forgive but also to sometimes forget.

9. To know that my past made me who I am and right now, I like who I am. Hell, I love who I am and I am proud of who I am and that my friends, is a first.

10. To appreciate everyone that comes into my life. Good and bad for it shapes who I am.

11. To love my family and my friends. To make time for them. To tell them that I love them, that I appreciate them. To tell them how truly awesome they all are.

12. Disclaimer: not crucial…BUT I would like to come across a man that changes my life. A man that loves that I think (a lot) and loves that I overanalyze things, albeit sometimes to a fault. A man that will be there for me when I am sad and when I am happy, that picks me up when I am down and lifts me higher when I am happy. A man that loves that I love to write, that I love to share my thoughts with the world, that I love to read, that I love to love, that I love passion, that I need passion in order to live. A man that loves me with his whole heart and doesn’t hold back, a man that cherishes me for everything I am and doesn’t blame me for my faults, doesn’t ask me to change who I am. A man that tells me to shut up when I really need to shut up. 🙂 I would like to come across a man that I love with my whole heart, that I love with passion, that I cherish, that I appreciate, that I pick up when he is down, that I lift higher when he is happy, that I have ridiculous amounts of fun with. A man that I don’t want to change, a man that I do not feel I need to change because he is everything I have always wanted, the good and the bad. A man that sometimes needs a slap in the face too. To find a man that makes me an even better person than I am today. Maybe that is too much to ask, but that is what I ask of 2014 (or 2015 or 2020, ya know, whenever he comes along).

13. To get the fuck out of my own way and always live every day of my life. To sometimes forget the past, to forget the future, to forget responsibility and truly live in the moment without regard for anything other than what is right in front of me. To embrace it and remember that some people don’t get that chance.

14. To stay positive about my hip surgery and my recovery. To not want to throw my crutches at anyone in frustration. To realize that after 6 months I can return to “full activity”, (whatever that means) and that I will be stronger than ever both mentally and physically.

15. And lastly, to run wildly into my future, dive in head first but never forget to appreciate the small, seemingly insignificant moments that make that future so unforgettable once it is in the past. To remember that although my future is ahead of me (obviously) that the present is right in front of me and that I finally feel that I am living my life the way I have always imagined I would.

I look back and think this:

Gosh 2013 rocked in so many ways. Good and bad. Now, I choose to go boldly into 2014, with my head held high and with a new found confidence, taking risks, loving with my whole heart, hoping for the best, striving for the best, knowing that if I maintain me, what I believe in and what and who I hold dear to my heart that I will forever be blissfully happy because it comes from me and no one else. And blissfully happy is something I will forever cherish because it took me 27.5 years to find it. I only hope I can make other people blissfully happy in the process.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope you all can appreciate 2013 as much as I did and to look forward to 2014 not because you may think 2013 sucked or was awesome, but because you realize 2013 taught you something, whatever it may be, and that lesson will impact 2014 in ways you’ve never imagined.

Peace and love…and always remember to JUMP!

Compliments of Miss Lucie Wicker

After I posted “Beat the Bulge” (which you should read if you haven’t yet), a few friends reached out to me to let me know that I am not alone in my struggle which truly touched me. I had friends reaching out that I never knew struggled with eating and body image disorders. A family member always says, “You know honey, I wish that you didn’t have to struggle so much.” It always bothered me because I don’t feel like I am really struggling in the way we perceive what it means to struggle. I always think, what exactly am I struggling with that someone else isn’t? So I thought about the word struggle for a while and then I decided to look up it’s definition. This is what I found…

As a verb :

to contend with an adversary or opposing force.

to contend resolutely with a task, problem, etc.; strive.

(of athletes and competitors) to be coping with inability to perform well or to win; contend with difficulty.

to exert strength, energy, and force. to work or strive.

As a noun :

a task or goal requiring much effort to accomplish or achieve. a fight or battle.

Let me repeat…to exert strength, energy, and force. to work or strive. And then it kind of hit me, to struggle doesn’t necessarily mean that you are suffering. Again, to exert strength, energy and force. We all struggle with something, that much is true, but it is how we approach that struggle that can make or break our soul. My client always tells me it is important to have mental strength and that it is more important than any physical strength we possess. It amazes me that it took me 27 years to start to feel comfortable in my own skin and comfortable with the person I am becoming.

After the “Bulge” post, I was directed to a link to a project on Kickstarter called Pretty Faces : All Female Ski & Adventure Sports Film that highlights women in sports, specifically skiing. This could not have come at a more perfect time. Within 10 seconds of watching the teaser on the Kickstarter website, I knew I wanted to be a backer, that I wanted to support the project and promote it by writing this post, that I wanted all women to see what Lynsey Dyer and her team of kick ass women are promoting.

When I finished watching the Pretty Faces teaser I felt a sense of community, collaboration, unity and pride flooding into my mind and my heart from women I have never even met. When I see female skiers crushing the slopes, crushing the big mountains, pulling tricks that seem other worldly and doing it with a huge smile celebrating their femininity, I get inspired. I get inspired to write, to promote, to ski again. They want females young and old, to watch this and say, “yeah, I can do that!” They want to promote that body image and main stream thoughts on what a female should be interested in and what they should look like, isn’t what the world is really about.

It’s ironic that the title is Pretty Faces because we are so much more than pretty faces. But that’s what the film is about. We are more than faces, more than body image, more than fashion, more than changing who we are so we can be popular. We are real women with real bodies and real passions. We have real sparks that can ignite a fire if allowed to develop into fruition. We now need that support. We need the support to ignite that fire. We need to come together because we can’t do this alone. So I ask you to support Pretty Faces so that we can see more of those faces out there, so that we can see more beauty in athletics and the type of beauty that comes from the soul, comes from who we are as women.

I am supporting, backing and promoting this project because it represents something I never had growing up.  I wish I had strong women to look up to when I needed it the most as a young girl, women that are not afraid to push the boundaries, to do something that hasn’t been done: an all female sports film! This goes beyond women in skiing, this goes into self confidence, following your passion, going boldly into this world, running wildly into your future with no chance of stopping, no chance of giving up. A community of strong willed women – what more could you ask for? What more could I ask for? I would ask that this project raises enough money in order for the women behind it to pursue their dream of an all female ski video to it’s fullest potential. I do this in the hopes that it inspires and motivates girls and women to follow their dreams and bring excitement and passion to this world.

Check out the project on Kickstarter:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/188962949/pretty-faces-all-female-ski-and-adventure-sports-f

Even if you only donate $5 you are still representing something that is truly inspiring. Again, I am promoting this simply because this film hits me deep and touches my soul and anything that does that for me, is worth writing, speaking, screaming about.

Powder Magazine wrote an article about it as well if you care to check that out. Pretty badass.

http://www.powdermag.com/stories/more-than-a-pretty-face/

PS. In a previous post, I had this quote as something that was important to me and ironically enough, it is said in the film.

So why not come alive? Why not celebrate women in sports? Why not celebrate all that we are and showcase it in one of the most badass sports out there? Let’s struggle a bit, but more importantly let’s exert strength, energy, and force.

Today I went skiing. I ski twice a year, one day around Thanksgiving and one day around Christmas. It is a far cry from my 17 year skiing career (yes I count my Nastar days as part of my career). I raced out of the Mt. Mansfield Ski Club at Stowe for most of my life as that was where I grew up. Yes, I was one of those rugrats terrorizing the mountain, almost hitting everyone in my path. Freshman and Sophomore year of high school was spent at Green Montain Valley School in Waitsfield, Vermont while Junior and Senior year I was at Stowe High School and just skipped school way too much in order to ski. When I graduated high school I took two years off to pursue my dream of being a World Cup skier and to my surprise I actually made the US Ski Team right out of high school. My ultimate plan of being a World Cup racer didn’t pan out but it was the best thing that ever happened to me because I got to be a UVM Catamount.

For me to become a Catamount after my ski career seemed to completely fall to pieces was a God send. I grew up watching the Catamounts training at Stowe and I knew at some point in my life that I wanted to be one, I wanted to race for my state college, I wanted to experience that Catamount pride. And that is exactly what I did.

This was my very first home carnival as a Catamount. The red bib indicates the leader in the collegiate standings and I think that was the only time that I wore it, but it was the perfect time to be leading. I grew up racing at Stowe so I was not only representing UVM but I was representing my town.  I felt a lot of pride that day, hell I felt a lot of pride the entire time I was racing at UVM. I loved my team, my coaches and my mountain. Seriously, how could you not be in love with a team like this…

I think the best way to explain how I felt about being a Catamount is to watch this video from my senior year….

I look back at my ski racing career with a serious case of nostalgia, especially being up there today. When I graduated college I HATED skiing so I took  a lot of time off even though I lived 45 minutes from the mountain. Last year I kind of fell in love with it again, but today, I REALLY fell back in love with it and I documented it through some pictures.

Father daughter ski day. My dad was my biggest supporter. When I got serious about ski racing he was right by my side for every race. He was my travel buddy, my technician, my motivator, my verbal punching bag, my shoulder to cry on and my sometimes much needed slap in my face. He built a hot box so that he could make my skis as fast as possible. He would stay up all night prepping my skis so that I would have the best equipment I possibly could. The sacrifices he made to support me were endless. He even tuned my skis to perfection for today.

Hayride. My true stomping ground. This trail separated the women from the girls, the men from the boys. It was a gnarly hill that was unforgiving. If you fell on Hayride, you fell hard. It was the type of hill that if you didn’t give it everything you had, you would regret it forever. The picture at the beginning of this post was on Hayride. Every time I raced on this hill, I left it all on the hill. To come down from a race run and know that you gave it all you had is one of the best feelings in the world, even if you aren’t on the leader board. Looking down at that trail that hasn’t been raced on since 2008 and that I haven’t personally skied in 3 years, I knew I had to ski it.

Start position. Fully focused.

What we stared down at in that start gate. Deceivingly flat but let me tell you that you pick of speed FAST and get going even faster when you hit the headwall.

The beloved head wall and death trap. I can’t tell you the number of times this took my breath away, the number of times I muttered “Oh Shit” under my breath. Again, it doesn’t look steep but anyone that’s raced on it, knows how treacherous it can be, especially if the snow was particularly terrible and the light flat…kind of like today. Good thing I have NO problem sliding my turns now-a-days.

The finish hut and scoreboard where we anxiously awaited our times to be posted and for the other racers times to be posted. Ya never knew if you were going to be elated or seriously let down. 🙂

I had to stand on that board. Giving a shout out to my girls that raced that with me: Kate, Lyndee, Bry, Jill, Val, Ashley, Chelsea, Tania, Amanda, Hannah. I can’t tell you ladies how much I miss throwing myself down that hill with you.

My senior year when we absolutely dominated our new race hill Main street on Big Spruce. We went 1, 2, 3: Meg, Lyndee, Me. This was one of the happiest days of my ski racing career. I hadn’t been skiing well previous to this race which meant I didn’t have a ton of confidence and was insanely nervous given it was my last time racing on this hill for a team I took pride in and was blessed to have been able to race with for 4 years…I wanted to throw up. I was hesitant in my first run because I was a senior and wanted to make sure I finished my final race on my home hill. I was really far out from first which meant I had to absolutely destroy my second run in order to move up the ranks.

I made a promise to myself that I would go all out no matter what and that’s exactly what I did. From the start I was pushing it, so much that I came very close to falling, so much that I almost skidded to a stop. At that very moment it was like a switch was flipped and I went into an even higher gear. I remember it clearly. I remember how mad I got, how I swore under my breath, gritted my teeth and told myself there was no way I was going down without a fight. I came through the finish line expecting to not take the lead…I was wrong. To come in 3rd on my home hill for the last time was spine-tingling. I can still feel it as I sit here envisioning it. I can still feel my skis on the snow. The cutting of the edge, the gliding of the skis…gosh I miss it.

This was from that race. My last run on my home hill as a Catamount. So proud.

I knew that the rest of my year was going to rock. My team was crushing it and I had finally figured out my skiing again. But life didn’t work out how I thought it would. The next day I suffered a concussion at an Eastern Cup at Middlebury Ski Bowl that took me out of racing for all but one race…the Middlebury Carnival. There was a very rare chance that I could make NCAAs at this point. I had to win if I wanted to even be in contention. This race was my first race back and I sucked, truly sucked. That was why I hated skiing so much right after college. To end my career like I did was heart breaking. Looking back on it almost 4 years later, I don’t even remember that part so much. Instead I remember that last UVM Carnival. I will never forget that day, ever.

I am thankful that I still even get to ski, albeit with a hip that hates me! So today I decided to relive my moments on Hayride – I would have gone to Main Street but I don’t know if it was even open and I take more pride in Hayride as it was such a skill defining hill. At the score board I decided to jump…

…because I wanted to celebrate all my accomplishments, all my good runs, my bad runs, my diggers, my concussions, my good days, my bad days. I wanted to remember those moments I shared with my teammates that I will forever have a strong bond with, even if we rarely see each other and rarely talk.

I look back on my life as a ski racer and am thankful for every training run, every race run, every person I ever interacted with, every happy moment, every sad moment, all the bad training hills, all the good training hills, all the hard work we put in during our workouts in that Catamount gym and I smile. The elation I felt today was insane. I can only wait with impatience until I get to do it again next year.

I leave this post with something that Meg brought to UVM that I still do today and that makes me smile every time…jumping shots. 🙂

I’ve been drinking a lot of wine these past few days and therefore thinking much more than normal which is very hard to imagine. When I put those two together my mind goes into a whirl wind of thoughts, feelings and emotions. Here’s what I’ve thought about: 

I have been getting bombarded with the classic “Beat the Holiday Bulge”, “10 Tips to Fight Holiday Weight Gain”, “Survive the Holidays” and I am just sick of it. Look, I used to diet non-stop and post pictures of my abs and my hot little body to Instagram and Facebook because I wanted everyone to see my hard work…or rather I wanted to show off what I had and I wanted attention for my body. Yeah sure, I can say that I wanted to inspire people to look their best but was that what it was really about? No. I wanted people to notice me for my body. I am clearly not one to bash people that do that and I am in no way doing that right now, especially because I will at some point in my life do it again, especially if I keep modeling. Be proud of your hard earned body and post that because it does inspire and motivate people, it’s just not for me right now. 

For right now, my thoughts on the whole thing have changed simply because there have been a lot of changes in my life. As you all know I am having hip surgery in just over 2 weeks which I am terrified about because I have never had surgery, I’ve stopped working out the way I want to which included CrossFit which is extremely frustrating because my hip just simply hurts, my boyfriend and I broke up which really sucked, I’ve stopped dieting, I’ve gained weight and I’ve gained body fat and I have cellulite now. I used to have an eating disorder…BAM. I said it. That might be too much to throw out there but it’s important. I need structure in my life and for the longest time I structured my life around eating because it kept me looking the way I thought I wanted to look. I was 111 lbs my junior year of college and am currently weighing in at 131 lbs. Am I entirely happy about that? No. But it’s life and I am accepting it.  

When I diet and workout incessantly, I am running on adrenaline. I am high off of the idea that people are looking at my body, I think I have a better body than the girl standing next to me and I think people think I look hot. I believe whole heartedly that I am happy. When you have struggled with an eating disorder it never leaves you…ever. You are stuck with the memory of the control you had over food and how good you thought you looked. You pinch your fat on your arms, your legs, or stomach, your love handles and you know every inch of your body so well that if you gain so much as a pound, you notice and beat yourself up over it. I weigh myself every gosh darn day so I can control my weight and if that number goes up, I freak out and put myself down which is what has been happening the past week. I believe I have no self control, I am fat, I don’t deserve what I have, I am not worthy, I am a bad person, I’ll never get a boyfriend. This is what goes through my mind and it is so unhealthy. I don’t want those thoughts anymore.

I still struggle every day with the memory of my eating disorder, my low weight, my low body fat, the attention I received. But what happens when shit gets real and you gain a little weight? What happens when life happens? You lose your hot little body, you lose the 14% body fat and instead are around 18-19% which really isn’t high when it comes to the national norm for women. What then? Where does the happiness come from? You suddenly realize that you aren’t happy because it was built off of something false, something that is easily taken away. That’s the thing about happiness; it is so easily stolen from us so we need to find happiness from something concrete, something that is important to us on a deeper level. 

My eating disorder is a part of me and always will be and I do not regret putting myself through that torture even if it’s messed me up a little (lies…A LOT) and affects me to this day. I don’t regret it because it taught me a lot about myself and my approach to my life, to my body, to food and I have only recently learned this lesson. It is without a doubt the most important lesson that I have learned in my 27.5 years on this little planet. When I realized shit got real and my life changed I decided to do some soul searching and look for what actually made me happy. If happiness isn’t deeply rooted within you, it is easily taken away. 

I asked myself these 3 questions:

1. What things do I want to do that come from within, that move me, that make me think, that challenge me, that take me out of my comfort zone?

2. What makes me happy from within, that cannot be taken away from me?

3. What do I think about every day of my life that I wasn’t doing for whatever excuse I kept making? 

This was my answer: I want to cook, I want to have the balls to share my thoughts and my life in a blog, I want people to know me for my brain, not my body, I want to start journal writing and reading incessantly again, I want to go out to dinner with friends and order the most fattening thing on the menu and NOT feel guilty about it, I want to drink wine, I want to enjoy being social, I want to dance, I want to get the F out of my house and stop feeling sorry for myself for whatever ridiculous reason I come up with. A client once said to me that you have to live your life in a way that is congruent with what you can handle at that moment in your life. Right now I can handle me, I can handle what makes me happy. I can handle the things I listed. I am doing what I can handle and I believe I am doing it damn well. 

I can’t handle dieting right now, I can’t handle being 14% body fat, I can’t handle CrossFit, I can’t handle high intensity training, I can’t handle falling in love (which I desperately want) and I don’t want to handle those things. I am happy with what I can handle because it is what I want to handle. Sure some days are harder than others and I get pissed about my weight and the body I see in the mirror. So I stare right back at that fucking thing and say, “You are worth everything and you look damn good.” No one can take that away from me. As a friend told me last night, the scale doesn’t measure happiness. And he’s right.

So to all those articles on advice on how to not gain weight over the holidays, F that. No one wants to gain weight but if we really had an issue with it, there would be no need for those articles. Everyone would be fit and have the body of their dreams. If you really care about something, you make it happen. If I really, truly cared about being 5 lbs lighter and 14% body fat at this very moment in my life, I would diet and I would ignore my hip pain and make it happen. But I don’t truly care about that right now. I care more about my health, keeping my body as healthy and strong as I can going into surgery and I care about my happiness. I have never been so happy and it’s the kind of happiness that no one is taking away from me. No one is taking away that smile.

PS. Do what makes you happy. Gain weight, lose weight, be social, be antisocial. Read the articles, don’t read the articles. Read this blog, don’t read this blog. Agree with it, don’t agree with it. Just do what you want, do what makes you happy, do what is in line with your beliefs and values. Ultimately, just do what grants you health and happiness and don’t forget that you are worth it. I forgot that for the longest time and I wish I had told that to myself every day of my life up until this point. Thank you to those that did and still do. 

Yes I’m talking about weight gain. What is it about the holidays that makes us think its okay to pack on 5-10 lbs? And then to say, “Oh I will lose it in the New Year.” For someone who has a pretty good self control, I found myself unable to say no to anything last week. It was out of the blue too. All of a sudden it was like a switch was flipped and I went into a see food diet…I see it, I eat it. I didn’t allow my brain to even think about whether or not I should eat it or even wanted to actually eat it and half the time I didn’t even realize what was happening until I finished whatever it was! I guess you might be able to call that emotional eating? Maybe?

I started last week with making sugar cookies and I thought I was being really good by bringing them to work…boy was I wrong. I am at work more than I am home and since I hoarded them in my locker instead of putting them in plain sight to actually share with my coworkers, I ended up eating almost all of them myself.

Weight gain reason #1:

Then on Tuesday a client was talking about pizza…COME ON! So what did I order before I left work that was ready for pick up by the time I got home, conveniently right downstairs? An arugula pizza with mozzarella, truffle oil and shaved parmesan. I ate half of it in 3 minutes then continued to eat some of the sugar cookies that I didn’t bring to work. Yeah I stashed some for my late night munchie issue.

Weight gain reason #2:

Then on Thursday I went out to dinner for the 110 club which is a dinner for those trainers who hit 110 sessions or more in the previous month. We went to Pier 6 in Charlestown. PHENOMENAL. Seriously go there. It is where Tavern On The Water used to be. Anyways, we could get whatever we wanted on the menu…2 Malbec, 3 vodka soda, 4 sweet and sticky chicken wings, 4 oysters, 2 pieces of bread, 1 lobster salad sandwich, 10 french fries, 3 scallops, 1 apple crisp later and I was well over my caloric limit for the week.

Weight gain reason #3:

No this is not what I ate but I have no picture so I used this because this is what it felt like had entered my stomach

Friday night was the Equinox holiday party. 6 glasses of Malbec, 12 pieces of sushi (at home) and some peanut butter and jelly (late night), later and I am starting to feel a bit bloated.

Weight gain reason #4:

Minus the sushi and peanut butter and jelly obviously

Then Saturday night I went to dinner in the North End to Mare. Best seafood in town. Half a bottle of Ferrari-Carano, 6 oysters, 3 pieces of olive bread, 2 scallops with a bowl of butternut squash (with lots of butter), truffle crusted tuna with grilled eggplant, wilted spinach and sweet baby peppers. This doesn’t seem like a lot but if you include the late night cookies….yeahhhh

Weight gain reason #5:

Use your imagination.

Now this might not seem that bad, but I didn’t even mention the fact that I finished the pizza on Wednesday, ate sandwiches all last week, night ate every night and ate my weight in cookies this past Monday when they had a BAKE OFF at work. Moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips should be on repeat over the holidays. Of course some indulgence is normal but to consume every cookie/brownie/cake in the bake off Monday is just completely unnecessary. You know a bite of each just to be able to judge fairly would have been just fine and totally acceptable. Instead I chose to eat ALL of the individual baked good, even the ones I didn’t like and there were about 10 different options. Not to mention the brownies I made from chickpeas earlier on Monday. Of course I ate the batter while I was making them because the recipe said it was totally acceptable. Then I proceeded to eat about 5 before returning to work, greeted by my biggest guilty pleasure. Damn you baked goods. Oh and I barely did any of this last week….

Which would lead to weight gain reason #6.

But really, it is the holidays!!! To not taste the holiday treats and sweets and to not indulge at holiday dinners and parties is just out of this world silly…or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. I mean come on, it’s winter and everyone is wearing lots of layers so no one can really see what you look like under all your clothes so no one should really care. And I also remind myself I’m getting hip surgery in 3 weeks and totally not thinking about how my body is changing (lies)  because I can’t do much to control it (some truth, some lies) and don’t care what happens to my body (more lies, lies, lies) and suddenly I have convinced myself it is perfectly okay to eat all day long…until I get on the scale and it says I have gained 5 lbs in a week.

Sooooo maybe I care a little bit more than I think I did. All these weeks of not dieting and not gaining any weight and I think I am invincible to this thing we call weight gain. Well, I found those lbs and they found me. I will have to break up with them eventually but for now I am just going to accept that I let them in to my life and move on…maybe tone down the feasting for now.

Malbec, you’re here to stay, don’t worry. 🙂

Lots of reflection this weekend…I ask myself, what are the simple things in life that I love? What makes me smile, what makes me giddy, what reminds me of where I am now and how far I have come, what have I moved on from but cherished so deeply?

(Not in any particular order except for Malbec was supposed to be #1)

1. Malbec

2. Songs that make me feel that someday I will fall head over heels in love with someone and they would jump through hoops to be with me. Everything I do, I do in love and I just want to be in love (with something other than wine and cookies)

3. Moments like this that capture happiness (and crappy IPhone pictures)

(The fab four: Sorry guys. If you read this, don’t get mad, I had to post it. Epic night in college)

4. Random signs that come at the perfect time.

5. My tattoos that remind me of what I’ve been through, who I am and what got me to where I am today.

6. Ornaments like this that just make me giggle every time I see it on my tree.

7. Pinterest finds like this one. Reminds me to live my life every day.

8. All my friends that I don’t have enough room to post pictures for. I cherish you all more than you know.

9. This guy who I will love forever and who helped me stay alive when shit got real in college. I will always love you and you know that.

10. Salmon (duh)

11. Cookies (to say the least)

12. This beauty

13. Forever knowing that I used to be good at this sport

14. My family

15. Which leads me to this guy…thankful for learning so much about myself with him. Maybe someday we can be friends because no matter how much I try to convince myself that I don’t miss you, I do. Thank you for being you.

Sometimes it’s nice to reflect on what is so amazing in your life because it becomes hard to remember every day…and that when you get to #15 and you know you’ve lost it, it doesn’t seem so bad.

I’ve definitely been reflecting a lot this week. Sorry for the sappy stuff. Sometimes you just need to hit repeat in order to make it more of a reality.