It is finally here…surgery. I have never had surgery and I never thought I would be so excited to have surgery. I realize now that this whole blog has kind of been based around going under the knife tomorrow. Everything that has happened to me in the last 2 months has been triggered by my change in lifestyle because I was accommodating for the pain in my hip. Yeah there was the whole breaking up with the boyfriend thing which was in fact somewhat related to this but for the most part it was all just a wake up call that I wasn’t exactly living my life in a way that was healthy for me, mentally and physically.
Don’t get me wrong, my growing as a person into someone I can say I am proud of and want to be like started way before I found out I had to get this surgery but it seems that it was kind of accelerated because I was forced to find other things that made me happy besides CrossFit, working out twice a day, dieting, etc. I looked at this surgery as a time where I can reset everything, start from scratch. My body has changed, especially over these last few weeks with all this holiday madness, and it will continue to change and I have accepted it and will continue to accept it.
When I first started thinking about it, I realized this is somewhat of a climax or the end to a chapter in the book of my life but then I think that maybe instead of a climax or end to a chapter in one book, it is instead a chance to start an entirely new book. It’s like starting over in a way; starting over on the right foot…or left since I wont be using my right leg for about 3 weeks. 🙂 I’m proud of everything I have accomplished in my life, but even more proud of where I’ve been in the last 2 months. It’s crazy to me that I feel as though I have learned more about who I am in 2 months than I have in my whole life. It was like I finally figured out what is important. I won’t bore you with all of it since I have written about it in almost every post but I will recap on what is most important in my life:
1. Above all else – I am important. My happiness is important. The degree to which I love myself is important. Being proud of myself when no one else seems to care is important. (Although I am learning that a lot of people do in fact care)
2. Independence from others. Being able to smile and have a great time even when I am all alone. I can’t tell you the number of times I have had so much fun jamming out to Taylor Swift and Hunter Hayes, that I don’t even need to hang out with people. That has never happened in my life before 2 months ago.
3. Freedom from doubt, worry and negativity. And not all the time, just much more often than not.
4. Smiling every chance I get.
5. Remembering and acknowledging all that I am thankful for, all my blessings. Every.single.day.
6. Making time for friends and family. Telling them how much I care about them, how awesome they are and how important they are.
7. Remembering the power of “No”, standing up for myself and what I want in life which comes from self-confidence and appreciation of self.
8. Remembering that dieting and being super lean does not define who I am, the type of person I am or how worthy I am of my own love and others love…even though sometimes when I look in the mirror I want to throw a towel over it…or throw a rock at it. Either one.
9. Cooking for health and enjoyment.
10. Sharing my life with people or a special someone…someday.
11. Stepping outside of my comfort zone so that I can live my life as fully as I can.
Which leads me to #12:
12. Writing. Writing has saved me these last few months. Without it, I’m not sure I would have made it, at least not in one mentally or physically stable piece. My life inspires me to write and my writing inspires me to live my life and I know it inspires some of you. And I don’t intend to stop.
There are so many other things that are important to me but it’s those first 12 that popped into my head before I really had to start thinking about it and they say what first comes to mind without thought is what’s truly important to us.
As I look back at the process to get here, I remember a few things about getting the diagnosis…skipping the primary care step saves a lot of time, scheduling with the receptionist can make or break your experience especially if you catch them making a huge mistake and scheduling you at the wrong office for the wrong procedure, hip arthrograms suck especially for the inflamed hip joint, sometimes anesthesia doesn’t work, when they say it will “sting like a bee” when they stick you with the needle they are in fact lying, hospital gowns are actually kind of comfortable, I quite enjoy MRIs because I fall asleep, nurses are very kind people (give them a high five when you see them), the whole process in getting diagnosed takes forever and because of this, and this was my most important lesson, if you have pain in your body that limits you in your daily activities, do not wait a year and a half to get it looked at.
It’s been quite a journey over the last 2 months and I am very thankful that I was able to write about it in my journal and write about it in my blog so that I could share it with all of you. I’ve received lots of emails, texts and phone calls to know that I am not alone in life, not alone in what I have been through and what I will go through and most shocking to me, that I inspire others with my strength and honesty. Even though I do look inside for my own strength, I have also always looked and will continue to look to others for strength because I used to feel I had no strength. Having this blog has helped me to find that strength I was desperately searching for and has allowed me to connect with others in a way that is truly inspiring. We really do feed off of one another. So thank you to you all for helping me to build my strength.
Now I wait anxiously for the hospital to call me and tell me what time my surgery is tomorrow. They will be attaching the labrum back to the bone and shaving down the bone growth on my hip. Thankfully it is an outpatient procedure and I will be home in Vermont tomorrow night starting to recover for the next week. If you are in Vermont, feel free to come entertain me and if you aren’t in Vermont, feel free to text me, call me, Facebook message me or message me on here to A) distract me, B) make me smile and laugh and C) give me some of that strength that I have always and will always need.