A New Year

On August 19, 2013 I decided to start writing again. I used to write all the time. I have journals from 10 years old and on. Now however I am forced to type because my hand cannot keep up with my thoughts. In Times New Roman, font 12, single spaced I have written 107 pages, NOT including my blog.

People ask what I write about. I just write. I write about what inspires me, experiences and people that I am thankful for and even experiences and people I would rather not have in my life for various reasons. I acknowledge what each of these people and experiences have brought to my life and I make a mental note for the future. I write about sadness and happiness. I write when I cry and when I laugh. I write promises to myself to help maintain my mental strength. I scream and I swear and I write in all CAPS.

I do this so that today, tomorrow, 10 years from now, 50 years from now I can look back and remember what I felt, how it affected me and how I came back from things that at the time seemed traumatic. I look back so I can see how I suffered, how I overcame, how I thrived, how I became stronger from it all with every passing moment, how I learned every day of my life so that I can appreciate everything I experienced. So that I can realize that when they say life goes on, it really does and if you work towards a better future, maintain a positive attitude and love with all your heart, that the future and the past is yours, blissfully yours.

So tonight, New Years Eve, I choose to stay in, drink Malbec (obviously) and write. To reflect on my experiences in 2013 and what I learned about myself. But more importantly, to write about what 2014 means to me, what I mean to me, what life means to me. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

What I learned in 2013:

1. I love Malbec. And no I do not have a drinking problem. I just love to up play my love for Malbec because it makes me giggle and giggling is so much fun especially when you live alone and you’re the only one that hears it. (hehe 🙂 )

2. I do not need a man in my life to make me happy and I REALLY don’t need a man in my life that makes me sad. To “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” NEVER again. Self-love baby!

3. It is never okay to lose yourself in someone else, to allow their actions and words to change your state of mind, your goals, your happiness.

4. It is crucially important to know who you are, to know your beliefs, to know your values, to know how important YOU are to YOU, and to love yourself above all else. If you can’t start with loving yourself, you will never love someone else the way you should, or in a way that is healthy.

5. That I have a semi-terrible voice but in singing passionately and at the top of my lungs, I have the ability to make myself nauseatingly happy. Music saves me.

6.  Speaking of saving me…I have amazing friends and family that have picked me up off my kitchen floor when I am having panic attacks and am so depressed that the floor is more appealing than the beauty of the world. And that being said…

7. I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be because I could have stayed on that floor and ignored the encouragement and positive words of my friends and family but I made the choice to pick myself up and brave the world.

8. I struggle every day but in that struggle I exhibit strength, energy and force and that is all I can really ask for in this life. Strength is beauty.

9. I hate dieting because I love cooking and food.

10. My struggles with my eating disorder (6 years ago mind you) still affects me today but does not define me. My body does not define me.

11. That I can eat donuts and scones 3 days before an underwear shoot, get the job and still look fucking amazing. Yes, I just said that. Confidence is key in this world.

12. That I know how to write and inspire people like I never imagined. I never imagined this because at one point I was at such a low that I never thought I would make it out alive, literally. To recover from that and connect with people like I have is shocking to me and truly a blessing. It brings me the type of pride that comes very rarely in one’s life. And to think it is all from writing about my life that for a while to me seemed a life that no one would want to live, not even me. Thank you to those who fought my fight with me, you know who you are.

13. To appreciate my family and friends, love them, cherish them, tell them I love them because you never know when they will leave this beautiful earth. Rest in Peace Jack Nash. I think about you every day. Alex Kende, it’s been over a decade but I will never forget the beauty you brought into this world in the short life you lived. I think about you every day.

14. That I can set a goal and more than accomplish it…I set a goal time of 1:45:00 for my second half marathon. I finished in 1:42:45.

15. When Robert Frost said, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” He.was.so.right.

What I plan for 2014:

1. To wake up on January 1, 2014, take a deep breath of the single digit air and be thankful that I can actually wake up and breathe that air even though my lungs will probably freeze.

2. To continue to make myself nauseatingly happy by singing while writing, while in the shower (my best singing ever), while cooking, while cleaning, while walking to work in the morning (thankfully no one is awake when I do that), while doing anything that I do.

3. To make others happy, to make them feel special, to put a smile on their face simply because I can and simply because I want others to feel the joy I get to feel.

4. To never, ever stop writing.

5. To never stop being who I am and never stop living the life I believe in, ever.

6. To surround myself with people that allow me to live my life with the passion that I lost in the last 365 days but have regained just in time for a new year. For to me, a life without passion is a life not worth living.

7. To think of others and to treat them with the same respect that I would like back and to put others before myself when it is warranted.

8. To always forgive but also to sometimes forget.

9. To know that my past made me who I am and right now, I like who I am. Hell, I love who I am and I am proud of who I am and that my friends, is a first.

10. To appreciate everyone that comes into my life. Good and bad for it shapes who I am.

11. To love my family and my friends. To make time for them. To tell them that I love them, that I appreciate them. To tell them how truly awesome they all are.

12. Disclaimer: not crucial…BUT I would like to come across a man that changes my life. A man that loves that I think (a lot) and loves that I overanalyze things, albeit sometimes to a fault. A man that will be there for me when I am sad and when I am happy, that picks me up when I am down and lifts me higher when I am happy. A man that loves that I love to write, that I love to share my thoughts with the world, that I love to read, that I love to love, that I love passion, that I need passion in order to live. A man that loves me with his whole heart and doesn’t hold back, a man that cherishes me for everything I am and doesn’t blame me for my faults, doesn’t ask me to change who I am. A man that tells me to shut up when I really need to shut up. 🙂 I would like to come across a man that I love with my whole heart, that I love with passion, that I cherish, that I appreciate, that I pick up when he is down, that I lift higher when he is happy, that I have ridiculous amounts of fun with. A man that I don’t want to change, a man that I do not feel I need to change because he is everything I have always wanted, the good and the bad. A man that sometimes needs a slap in the face too. To find a man that makes me an even better person than I am today. Maybe that is too much to ask, but that is what I ask of 2014 (or 2015 or 2020, ya know, whenever he comes along).

13. To get the fuck out of my own way and always live every day of my life. To sometimes forget the past, to forget the future, to forget responsibility and truly live in the moment without regard for anything other than what is right in front of me. To embrace it and remember that some people don’t get that chance.

14. To stay positive about my hip surgery and my recovery. To not want to throw my crutches at anyone in frustration. To realize that after 6 months I can return to “full activity”, (whatever that means) and that I will be stronger than ever both mentally and physically.

15. And lastly, to run wildly into my future, dive in head first but never forget to appreciate the small, seemingly insignificant moments that make that future so unforgettable once it is in the past. To remember that although my future is ahead of me (obviously) that the present is right in front of me and that I finally feel that I am living my life the way I have always imagined I would.

I look back and think this:

Gosh 2013 rocked in so many ways. Good and bad. Now, I choose to go boldly into 2014, with my head held high and with a new found confidence, taking risks, loving with my whole heart, hoping for the best, striving for the best, knowing that if I maintain me, what I believe in and what and who I hold dear to my heart that I will forever be blissfully happy because it comes from me and no one else. And blissfully happy is something I will forever cherish because it took me 27.5 years to find it. I only hope I can make other people blissfully happy in the process.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope you all can appreciate 2013 as much as I did and to look forward to 2014 not because you may think 2013 sucked or was awesome, but because you realize 2013 taught you something, whatever it may be, and that lesson will impact 2014 in ways you’ve never imagined.

Peace and love…and always remember to JUMP!

kara-jumps

 

Compliments of Miss Lucie Wicker

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