It is almost 8 am as I start this post and I have just taken my Oxycodone and Tylenol so I have a short window before I fall asleep. I have been weening off the Valium because it absolutely destroys any brain function I could manage to have but even without it I am feeling a little lightheaded and woozy but not so much that I can’t write so I decided to take this brief moment of motivation and somewhat clear headedness to write a bit.
Yesterday was probably one of the harder days for me emotionally. I started to miss someone that I shouldn’t really miss and I started to feel like a waste of space. Having hip surgery isn’t THAT big of a deal. Surgery is surgery. People have it and people recover from it. This just so happens to be my first one so it’s kind of a big deal for me. I haven’t left my house since I got home Tuesday night which is partially because I have been in too much pain but more because Vermont tends to be an ice skating rink right now…all of it. I guess I-89 was backed up for 3 hours yesterday. Yeah, no thanks. Even my driveway was a sheet of ice and then to top it off it started pouring. So I continued to sit on my couch to sleep, text and to stare blankly at my computer screen wishing and willing myself to write, but I just could not do it. I couldn’t even manage to hit one key to start a post or start a journal entry. There just seems nothing fun to write about. I can’t get in the zone and I need to be in that zone or else it all just seems forced.
I hate not writing and I hate not wanting to write. I’ve gotten reassurance from those who have been on these drugs that it is completely normal to have this reaction, this fog, this daze that I tend to be living in since Tuesday. Every now and then I get shocks of anxiety about not writing, not reading, not crocheting, not doing anything and I am not good at doing nothing. I feel useless. I have to ask my parents to do everything for me. I can manage to make my own meals but it takes FOREVER simply because I have to crutch to the fridge and back with one item at a time and when you need more then 3 items, it tends to take some time. I am weight bearing more than I probably should at this point because it makes everything go faster. People tell me to take this time to rest and relax and to sleep as much as I can and not feel guilty about it but all I am thinking about is what I am NOT doing that I should be doing.
I never realized that having surgery and recovering from it could make me this tired. I want my routine back. I miss waking up at 4:30 am, I miss my friends, I miss my clients, I miss my apartment, I miss my Malbec (although it has been a nice little detox as I did get a little crazy with it the week before my surgery) I miss Boston and surprisingly…I miss Equinox. I miss the gym, a lot and not because of working out. Hell, I could care less about that right now, I just miss everyone there. I miss the music playing all day, I miss the sound of weights dropping, I miss the stinky smell of the employee break room and I even miss the occasional grunt from those men trying to be all macho lifting with their less than impressive weight selection and even less impressive execution of form.
So yeah, yesterday kind of sucked. But then I was chatting with my girl Susan, or rather I was complaining simply because of the fact that I was feeling sorry for myself but then I stopped and I thought…”pull your head out of your ass, get out of your own way and stop feeling sorry for yourself.” It could be SO much worse and feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere. In fact, it goes against everything I have been writing about for the last few months. Talk about finding happiness from within…jeepers have I had to do a lot of THAT this week. So I decided to sit down this morning (before I fall back asleep from these drugs) and note what I am thankful for and why feeling sorry for myself is pointless.
1) First and foremost, yesterday was the first shower I had in 4 days. My hair was DISGUSTING. I am naturally blonde and yes it darkens in the winter but after 4 days it looked like a brown slip and slide…
I can’t tell you how amazing that shower felt. I managed to do it without any help…2 thumbs up for that accomplishment because I am pretty sure neither of my parents nor I wanted to help or have help showering. My mother kindly told me after my shower, “Well you smell much better.” Thanks mom.
2) I got to take the bandages off and see what arthroscopic surgery actually did to my hip…
I thought hard about posting that picture but then it occurred to me A) you can’t see anything naughty and B) I did an underwear shoot so the only difference between that picture and what you all will see when those pictures come out, is that I had a small bikini bottom on…and plus, I think it’s pretty cool that they can reattach my labrum and shave down bone by only making three small incisions.
3. My brother came and visited me for a long time and we had a nice chat. I don’t really ever get to see my brother (the one that lives in Vermont) so whenever I get the chance, I always cherish it.
4. My other brother called me via FaceTime to check up on me. I can’t tell you enough how much that means to me. And in the process I got to see my cute little niece who is growing up wayyyy to fast!
5. I get to wear these cool compression socks that keep the swelling down because let me tell you..when you are laid up all day, ya get nice and swollen! And plus, it’s squeezing out all my holiday fat. 😉 Oh and these cool slippers that the nurse liaison gave me per order of the Woodster!
6. I have a father who is willing to inject me with Lovenox every 12 hours so that my blood doesn’t clot. He is such a good nurse in training…
There is a video on Facebook of the process but I can’t seem to put it in here so here’s the link if you want to see it and if it works…https://www.facebook.com/kara.crow.94
But it makes my stomach look like a war zone…the little tiny dots are from the needle punctures and this picture doesn’t even do it justice. Oh and by the way, if you find my 6 pack, please return it to me. Thanks!
7. My mother makes me the BEST mocha EVER and is sending me back to Boston with meals so I don’t have to worry about cooking for a day or two. Blessing right there.
8. Three days ago my girl Tania brought me a care package…missing from this photo is the Malbec I can’t drink for a while and the popcorn that is already gone…well actually it’s all already almost gone. 🙂 She knows me so well!
9. I got a visit from my goddaughter, godmother and family friend which totally brightened my day. Always nice to have extended family when you’re feeling kind of down.
10. I have friends and family that check up on me every day and send me well wishes. The number of texts and emails I had when I came out of surgery was heart warming. I have people I rarely talk to or barely know telling me how strong I am, that this too shall pass and that it’s okay to relax. They reassure me that everything I am feeling and thinking is normal. I guess I never realized how many people actually care about me and the best part is, I care about them too. 🙂
When all is said and done, I am thankful for many things and I try to remember those. Writing helps. This blog helps but it has been hard to write. Is this whole thing challenging my patience and positive attitude? Hell yeah. Am I antsy and stir crazy and have some serious anxiety, especially about returning to work and everything that entails? Without a doubt. But I am taking it moment by moment. I am letting myself feel the anxiety when it comes and I am letting myself feel the happiness when it comes. At the end of the day, this is just hip surgery. I will be off crutches before I know it. Some people have said they feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for me (well maybe a little yesterday…I was having a girl day) and I don’t want others to feel sorry for me. It’s just hip surgery and it’s a temporary limitation.
One thing I have gotten really good at is making fun of myself, of doing things to humble myself, to make sad things funny, to make boring and mundane things interesting and fun. Hell, I get injected every 12 hours with a dangerous drug that thins my blood so it doesn’t clot but that can make me bleed to death if I fall which is why I get to wear this bad boy…
Yeah you see those veins…lots of blood flowing through those bad boys.
But I laugh at it. I laugh at the fact that after all this time, after all the worrying about how my body would change before and after my hip surgery because of having to scale back on exercise so my hip wouldn’t hurt all the damn time, because of HAVING to eat donuts and pastries and HAVING to drink Malbec in order to fuel all my imperfections, to misplace my 6 pack, and to spend more time with friends and family, I suddenly realize it was all worth it. This surgery was a blessing in disguise. It made me realize what is important in life. It changed my attitude towards life. I laugh more and look at life with wide open eyes, which if you haven’t noticed by now, I have REALLY tiny eyes, so that’s saying a lot.
I wouldn’t change a thing about the last 2 months. I wouldn’t change having to have hip surgery, I wouldn’t change having to sit on my ass for a week, I wouldn’t change the fact that I have a quarter of the strength in my legs that I used to have and that I have put on some fat LBS. I have had more fun in the last 2 months than I have had in my entire life because I finally started to LIVE my life. Even though this change was a long time coming, it was like I was waiting or even looking for something to get my ass in gear. I needed that extra push because for the longest time I felt lost. Do I still feel lost at times? Hell yeah. But I am closer to where I want to be than ever before and that’s just so pee in my pants exciting!!
So now I move onward and upward. I have so much to look forward to: getting off crutches, having jacked arms from my crutches, physical therapy, rebuilding my strength, finding my 6 pack, not having to wear my bracelet because I will be off blood thinners in a few weeks, waking up at 4:30 am again every day, squatting, running, jumping, maybe modeling again and most importantly continuing to have as much fun as I possibly can. Yes, I have so much to be thankful for.
Here’s to writing the next book in my life. I can feel nothing but insanely giddy about writing it…or maybe its the Oxycodone…who knows? 🙂 And yes it just took me 2 hours to write this post but I did not fall asleep like I thought I would. Big gains up here in Vermont.