“New Year, New You.” That was so last year for me. I was so incredibly lost and confused but over the last year, I found me. One year ago today I wrote out a plan for 2014 and FUCK was I spot on. Here’s the plan with my end of year updates…
What I plan for 2014:
1. To wake up on January 1, 2014, take a deep breath of the single digit air and be thankful that I can actually wake up and breathe that air even though my lungs will probably freeze.
I think it took me until noon to come out of a coma that started at 4 am…I wasn’t intending to go out that night but it turned out to be one of the best unplanned nights of my life. When I finally did go outside, it hurt…a lot. But it was so worth it.
2. To continue to make myself nauseatingly happy by singing while writing, while in the shower (my best singing ever), while cooking, while cleaning, while walking to work in the morning (thankfully no one is awake when I do that), while doing anything that I do.
I still sing at the top of my lungs (poorly might I add) and I STILL make myself nauseatingly happy almost every day of my life, even if just for a minute. I went to a Hunter Hayes concert with my girl Tania in August and came out with no voice because I was practically screaming for over an hour. But it was totally worth it.
3. To make others happy, to make them feel special, to put a smile on their face simply because I can and simply because I want others to feel the joy I get to feel.
I like to think that I accomplished this because I did see a lot of smiles when I was with people. I love to make people laugh and smile. It brings happiness to my life.
4. To never, ever stop writing.
Even though my posts to my blog came to a screeching halt over the summer, my journaling didn’t. I was too busy being social about 6.5 nights a week and didn’t make time to blog but it was totally worth it because I came out of it with A LOT of epic stories that I did manage to write about in my journal in bits and pieces.
5. To never stop being who I am and never stop living the life I believe in, ever.
One of the things about being single and dating (as this was the biggest threat to losing who I am) is the rules and the games. (https://thoughtsofacrow.com/2014/07/29/dating-101/) For a short while I stopped being ME. I played the game because I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted someone to love me so badly that I changed who I was to conform to the rules. I did everything I DIDN’T want to be doing because it wasn’t who I am. I am extremely forward and have actually had to work on being a bit more reserved for my own good but these games that I learned exist just weren’t for me. After some failed attempts at relationships, I threw the games to the wind and realized that someday, someone would appreciate me, craziness and all.
6. To surround myself with people that allow me to live my life with the passion that I lost in the last 365 days but have regained just in time for a new year. For to me, a life without passion is a life not worth living.
This is one I am extremely proud of. Once I kicked Voldemort (a nickname given quite appropriately to my ex by my girl Susan) to the curb, I can confidently say that anyone who threatened my sense of self was quickly sent packing whether it was by them or me. I couldn’t be happier that I stuck to that plan.
7. To think of others and to treat them with the same respect that I would like back and to put others before myself when it is warranted.
Sometimes this one was tough, especially if I was in a bad mood and I snapped at someone but I can’t be perfect 100% of the time. I always managed to apologize to the person I snapped at or ignored and life was good again. I learned a lot about friendship this past year and when its appropriate to put your needs second to someone else’s.
8. To always forgive but also to sometimes forget.
I have forgiven but I don’t think I will ever forget how much pain I experienced in my last relationship that was so incredibly detrimental for my health yet I stuck with it. I learned so many lessons from that relationship and from that person that there is no way I will ever forget him or what happened in the year and a half we spent trying to make it work. It has shaped my life, but for the better and I couldn’t be happier that I was so miserable because it taught me how to be happy.
9. To know that my past made me who I am and right now, I like who I am. Hell, I love who I am and I am proud of who I am and that my friends, is a first.
I have finally accepted who I am, anxieties and all. But one of the things I have learned is that when you surround yourself with the right people, it is blissfully EASY to be who you are because not only are you proud of who you are, but the people who chose to spend time with you are proud of you too, especially if they know the journey you’ve been on to get to where you are today. I liked who I was a year ago but sitting here right now a year later, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE who I am.
10. To appreciate everyone that comes into my life. Good and bad for it shapes who I am.
The good, the bad, the ugly. The break up, the match.com dates, the TINDER (yes Tinder) date (more on that in a moment), the dates with guys from the gym (bad idea), the friendships that came and went and lasted…all of it gives me experiences that make me stronger and wiser that I can take with me into the present and future to share with others and help them become their best selves.
11. To love my family and my friends. To make time for them. To tell them that I love them, that I appreciate them. To tell them how truly awesome they all are.
I spent my summer with my family and my friends. I have never been as social as I was this past summer and it felt so good. It was easily the best summer of my life. I rekindled a lot of friendships that I thought I had lost and made a lot of new friends that have so positively impacted my life that I wish I met them earlier. I threw responsibility to the wind more than I ever have and let me tell you, it.was.so.worth.it.
12. Disclaimer: not crucial…BUT I would like to come across a man that changes my life. A man that loves that I think (a lot) and loves that I overanalyze things, albeit sometimes to a fault. A man that will be there for me when I am sad and when I am happy, that picks me up when I am down and lifts me higher when I am happy. A man that loves that I love to write, that I love to share my thoughts with the world, that I love to read, that I love to love, that I love passion, that I need passion in order to live. A man that loves me with his whole heart and doesn’t hold back, a man that cherishes me for everything I am and doesn’t blame me for my faults, doesn’t ask me to change who I am. A man that tells me to shut up when I really need to shut up. 🙂 I would like to come across a man that I love with my whole heart, that I love with passion, that I cherish, that I appreciate, that I pick up when he is down, that I lift higher when he is happy, that I have ridiculous amounts of fun with. A man that I don’t want to change, a man that I do not feel I need to change because he is everything I have always wanted, the good and the bad. A man that sometimes needs a slap in the face too. To find a man that makes me an even better person than I am today. Maybe that is too much to ask, but that is what I ask of 2014 (or 2015 or 2020, ya know, whenever he comes along).
Insert my ONE Tinder date. Yes, I met my boyfriend on Tinder. At one point a few months ago I decided to join OKcupid, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel and Hinge and I grouped them all into a nice little folder titled “I’m Single” on my phone. A girlfriend told me to never show it to anyone. Oops. For the first time in my life I didn’t really want a relationship because I had come to terms with a lot of things and the happiness that I felt came from within me, from my soul which is something I have been searching for, for as long as I can remember. I wasn’t actively looking for someone, just kind of hoping at some point someone would come along. I did it more for the “what if I come across someone completely amazing” concept. He came a lot sooner than I thought. You know what they say Susan…”He will come when you least expect it.” I REALLY wasn’t expecting him but I am so thankful that I swiped right. 😉
13. To get the fuck out of my own way and always live every day of my life. To sometimes forget the past, to forget the future, to forget responsibility and truly live in the moment without regard for anything other than what is right in front of me. To embrace it and remember that some people don’t get that chance.
I haven’t lived every moment in the moment for the last 365 days but I have come pretty darn close. I appreciate the moments and the people sitting right in front of me which never happened in the past. I was always looking to tomorrow or next week or next year or 10 years from now. Now, it’s just this moment that matters. And yes, I have gotten the fuck out of my own way.
14. To stay positive about my hip surgery and my recovery. To not want to throw my crutches at anyone in frustration. To realize that after 6 months I can return to “full activity”, (whatever that means) and that I will be stronger than ever both mentally and physically.
If only I knew that 3 weeks on crutches really meant 8 weeks and that it would take me almost 12 months to return to “full activity”. Having hip surgery was the BEST thing to ever happen to me. I learned more about my mind and my body in the last year than I ever thought possible. Patience and acceptance being the most important. I am stronger mentally and physically than I have ever been because I listened to my body (after a few failed attempts at pushing the envelope). I only threw my crutches once but it wasn’t at anyone, just simply throwing them…which didn’t go so well because I couldn’t get to them.
15. And lastly, to run wildly into my future, dive in head first but never forget to appreciate the small, seemingly insignificant moments that make that future so unforgettable once it is in the past. To remember that although my future is ahead of me (obviously) that the present is right in front of me and that I finally feel that I am living my life the way I have always imagined I would.
Oh boy. Run wildly into my future. Fuck have I done that better than I thought possible and I will continue to do it because it has made me happier than I have ever been. It all comes down to that…HAPPINESS…with who you are, what you are doing, who you are with and where you are. I’ve learned that if you aren’t happy with those things, either figure out a way to change (I did but it was really fucking hard…that’s the thing…don’t let ANYONE make you think that shits easy) or get the fuck out of whatever situation you are in because life isn’t worth living unless some part of you is blissfully happy enough to counteract anything negative in your life. Just know that not everything in your life will make you happy and not everything will be perfect. Perfection isn’t possible. Perfection is boring. I tried that and it didn’t work out too well for me. But what I can say after this last year is that to not have something to love, to be passionate about is the biggest mistake you will ever make in your life. Try to not just go through the motions in life. Find something that makes you giddy, that ignites your soul, that brings you to life. Take that into 2015 and RUN, RUN wildly with it. IT.WILL.CHANGE.YOUR.LIFE.
I don’t know what 2015 holds (I have my plan of course…personally and professionally) for me but knowing that my plan for 2014 went exactly as planned makes me pretty confident that 2015 will go as I have planned (which I will save for another day). I hadn’t looked back at my plan for 2014 until 2 weeks ago. I had forgotten what I had written but the reason it went exactly according to plan is because I made that plan based on who I am and what I wanted in life. None of those goals, if you shall have it, were out of reach because they were goals that made and make me who I am. Those goals, that plan was me. I felt it will every part of my soul, it tickled my bones, which is why this last year was exactly how I had imagined it to be.
I know that 2015 will be just as epically AWESOME because I am CHOOSING to make it that way. I never used to like the saying that “Happiness is a choice” and I don’t really like it even today but it’s something close to that. I was in a place at one point where that choice wasn’t a choice for reasons I won’t discuss tonight. I needed to be further on my journey to get to make that choice, but now that I have, I only hope that all of you can make that choice too. Going into 2015 I won’t say “New Year, New Me” because I don’t need a new me. I accomplished my main goals, my main plan for 2014 and know it will only get better in 2015.
Happy New Year everyone. Be safe and enjoy every last minute of 2014 because it’s the last time you’ll ever get to experience it. Oh…and smile, wink and laugh every chance you get because this is what life is about…
OH I ALMOST FORGOT….DRINK LOTS OF MALBEC 🙂