Vulnerability of the Heart

Disclaimer: Maybe it’s due to Valentine’s Day or maybe it is because I am flirting with an emotion in revisiting an area of my life I didn’t plan to revisit but this post is kind of heavy…and long.

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I have let someone back into my life that I am not sure I want to have back in my life. Weird, right? You might ask, why? Why am I letting someone back into my life who hurt me so deeply? Someone that I know, deep down, I do not want in my life. Someone who ran away the minute shit got hard and the minute life got real. Someone that left me drowning in emotions and enabled me to think that I was the problem. Someone that crushed my heart.

You might say to me, “Kara you’re an idiot. For everything you have said about the situation and for how strong you have been in moving on, for how far you have come, why would you willingly revisit that? You’re just as much a fool for letting him back in as he was for walking away.” (Yes I have been told that) You may have your words and your opinions about what I should and should not do in my life and in others. You may call me a hypocrite for months ago saying it was over, really over and being the bull headed Leo that I am yet now find myself talking to him again, doing a complete 180. In fact, a friend told me the other day that there was no way it was over between us, that we were like cat and mouse and eventually I would give in. I stood there confidently and said, “Absolutely not. He had his chance and he fucked up.” Yet where do I find myself? Exactly where I said I would not be, ever again. For the longest time, I had no desire to ever even speak to him again but now I find myself having given in to his persistence and allowing him a tiny place in my life.

His persistence is unlike any I have ever witnessed. “Ignore him”, you say. And I have. I did. For months. And I have also been very vocal about moving on and not needing that negativity in my life again. But then what if that person comes back and tells you they want you back? That they made a mistake and then starts to become the person you wish they had been when you needed them to be that person. You acknowledge it and then ask them to please leave you alone and they say they will respect that. But then a little over a week goes by and their persistence has you talking to them again. And in talking to them again, they have you witnessing their persistence in getting you back, in attempting to be that person you asked them to be. But that’s the thing about asking, you shouldn’t have to ask that of someone when you are in a relationship. You shouldn’t have to ASK that person to treat you better.

So his persistence. My vulnerability. I tend to put up walls. Writing is one of the few things that breaks down my walls which is why when I write there is an emotion flowing through me unlike any other. When I write, I feel with my whole soul. I am vulnerable right now, as much as I do not want to admit it because I see it as a weakness in some ways but that’s what this whole post is about. So here is my vulnerability. I am sharing with you an unedited journal entry. When I write for my blog, I edit it more than I care to admit simply because if anyone were to read (and a few have) my raw thoughts, I worry they might get freaked out. Yet here I am sharing it with everyone. There are two separate entries, one from this morning and one from 10 minutes before I started on this blog.

Here goes…

I sit here listening to Justin Timberlake’s song Mirrors. And every time it reminds me of the emotions I felt towards EX, that he was my mirror, that we are so similar, that he wanted to be with me as badly as I wanted to be with him. I listened to this song obsessively when it came out and I listened to it during my 1/2 marathon. It motivated me in a way, to keep trucking, keep doing my thing.

I prayed EX would fight for me and that if he walked away he would realize his mistake and do everything in his power to get me back. The emotions I feel when I listen to this song are so real, so raw.

 “I don’t want to lose you now. I’m looking right at the other half of me.”

 I was so in love with him. I think of him and those emotions every time I hear this song.

I could say I wish things didn’t turn out the way they did and that we didn’t break up because I thought I would marry him. But I would be lying to myself. Us breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to me. If we had not broken up, I would not be where I am right now. Beautifully content with who I am and where I am in my life.

With him trying to come back into my life it sparks lots of emotions. A small part of me wants him back. A flicker of light simply because its easy, it’s familiar. But then I stop and I realize I do not want him. I do not feel emotion when I see him. I do not desire him anymore. There is nothing left in my heart for him. He exhausted my love for him.

And this was what I wrote right before this blog post…

Music. It moves me, it moves all of us. Music brings memory to the forefront. Music brings things to our conscious that we may or may not want to feel. For me, there are certain songs that are keepers of my heart. JT Mirrors is one of those songs. As I stated before, the emotions that I felt and experienced when I first heard this song…the attachment I placed to the words of this song….the association of my heart and my feelings towards EX are forever latched on to this song, embedded in this song. I hear it and I am instantly taken back to the emotions I felt when I first heard it. I am reminded of why exactly I latched on so easily. I associated a feeling, an emotion, a powerful one at that, to this song. This song is my gateway to those emotions that I would otherwise like to suppress. But forever I will be reminded of what I felt.

From the moment I heard this song, I knew it was to be EX and my fate. He would walk away and regret it. I always knew this to be true. And now it has happened. There is just something so powerful in this song. I listen to music all day, so why this song? Why is this the one song that holds such power for me, such power to me?

There is something about this song that makes it seem as though no time has passed. It’s as if I am back running my ½ marathon last spring, thinking about him the whole way, for a reason I can’t quite remember. Maybe because I wished he was there to cheer me on but it was Memorial Day weekend and he was down on Nantucket partying all weekend. Sure we weren’t dating officially for very long but it still would have been nice to have him there rooting for me. The pain I felt, the emotional pain he caused me throughout our entire relationship. Fuck.

This song reminds me of every reason he and I should not be together. It pains me. I can’t type it enough. It pains me. Everything about US pains me. This song moves my soul. The emotions I am feeling right now I cannot quite put into the perfect words.

“You are, you are the love of my life.”

Listening to that over and over again during my ½ marathon almost seemed to help me. As I am writing this I am experiencing many emotions. The most prominent being that I want to text or call EX right now and tell him I cannot associate with him, I cannot have him in my life in any way shape or form.

He knows his power over me. He has come back during a very vulnerable state. I need help doing every day things and my hip has been in a lot of pain lately. Here EX comes swooping in trying to come back into my life, using this vulnerability as his way in.

I was speaking with Susan today about this and about the entry from my phone that I wrote earlier and this is what came about…

In talking to EX these last few days it is comfortable knowing that I can call or text him and he will answer. I even said to him that I wished he wasn’t going away this weekend because I wanted to spend time with him. I felt my vulnerable side coming out, felt that weakness for him, felt that wall breaking a little. But then I realized that I am simply striving to fill a void. With him coming back and saying he wants to be with me and doing and saying nice things and showing serious affection, it weakens me a bit because it reminds me that I was once in love with him and once did want all he is claiming he can offer. So I subconsciously let down some of my wall.

When I said to him, “I wish you weren’t going away this weekend.” A part of me meant it but then I realized that he is giving me the ability to create a void that ideally only he can fill. And it is then that I realize that I am lonely. I don’t admit this much out loud because I feel it signifies weakness but I am fucking lonely. Still being on crutches, still being so limited in every aspect of my life creates a sense of loneliness in me and who else would I want to fill that void but the man I once loved, and loved so recently? Who else but the man who is now coming back to me saying he wants to work on things, the man who is being nice to me in ways he wasn’t during our relationship?

I begin to give in to this so-called void, thinking he is the only one that can fill it but then I realize that it is exactly that…a void. And my next thought is why does that void need to be filled by anyone? I have been lonely before but there were no temptations to fill the void. Now, however, there is that temptation, that comfort of something so familiar that I still feel with every bone in my body. In trying to fill this void that has become ragingly apparent since I have let him back in to my life, I realize exactly what is taking place in my mind. It is simply that…a void. I do not desire him; I desire to fill that void. We as humans can only resist so much until we crack. I have been denying my loneliness; understanding that it is only temporary and it will go away but now that this void is staring me right in the face (maybe Valentines Day has something to do with it) I can do nothing but stare right back at it and wonder, is it EX I really want or is it a filling of this void that I really want?

And then we see vulnerability. I am vulnerable. So very vulnerable. 

I am vulnerable to the idea that he can be the man I want, or rather wanted him to be because of his actions as of late, because of his persistence in showing me he can be there for me. He sent me flowers today for Valentine’s Day. He never gave me flowers when we were dating. I texted a girlfriend and said that it kind of made me want to talk to him less. She asked me something that pointed out my vulnerability even more…”Do you really want him to leave you alone?” Shit. Do I? I had successfully ignored many texts from him, so why did I suddenly decide to give in again? Even after I had puffed up my chest, exhibited my “strength and sass” and gone on a rant about him leaving me alone…welcome to being human and for wanting a human connection with something you loved so so much. This is what you get for giving in to the deepest parts of your heart. Move on they say. I have. But I have done it in a very unconventional way.

If you have made it this far I commend you as this is LONG. But this is the most important part. I do not see myself as being weak or for being an idiot for “giving in” to his texts, as I put it, and talking to him. Putting myself in this position is putting myself into a gray area, a very dangerous gray area. I am a very black and white thinker. Either you are all in or all out. Make the decision. But life isn’t all in or all out. Life is fucking messy. In “giving in” to his persistence and speaking and seeing him again, I have discovered an area of strength that I had no knowledge I had. The strength in vulnerability. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, it would be inhumane if I did not. And in this vulnerability I have been reassured that the decision to end our relationship was the right one. Does this mean I will say leave me alone and ignore him for the rest of my life? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.

All I know is that when it comes to the heart, to my heart, I jump in heart first, head second. Usually one comes up for air first – usually my head first – but in these last few days, both have come up for air at the same time. Both agree that this gray area was and is dangerous but still needed to be braved for the sole purpose of emotional, intellectual and spiritual growth. Call me crazy but there’s a lesson to be learned and strength to be developed every day and in every experience and I am not about to let my fear of vulnerability prevent me from developing that strength; even if to the onlooker my choices might seem “stupid”, “dumb”, “idiotic”, “crazy” or the dreaded “I told you so.” Being vulnerable is the only way we grow as people, both intellectually and emotionally.

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So I challenge you to be vulnerable sometimes. Allow yourself to take a risk emotionally. It might blow up in your face and make you wish you had listened to everyone else. Or it might blow up in your face and you will be happy you listened to you because that blow up made you realize the one final thing you needed to realize in order to gain some clarity on an otherwise extremely confusing emotional fuck up. Or it doesn’t blow up at all and you live happily ever after with your Prince Charming.

I on the other hand, am still looking for Prince Charming, vulnerability intact. 😉

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